it seems that my previous blog-post has touched a few chords.
most of the comments that i got here and on facebook and in my email, said that you are also feeling a little overwhelmed/blue, or that you have been there and are feeling a little better. thanks for that. it makes me feel less alone..
there are also a few people who think i am a little 'brave' (read crazy) to spill my guts on this public forum. including me. sometimes, after posting something, i have to fight the urge to pull it down. but when i read other incredibly brave posts out there, i feel enriched. touched. inspired. validated. and i realise how poor we would be if we did not share our feelings. our fears. our sadness. our concerns. part of what i like the most about the internet, and blogs especially, is the fact that we share each other's lives. the little details. the intimate feelings and our everyday thoughts.
most of my life, i have been one of those people who 'suffers' in silence. you know, i only talk about something when it is largely over. there is a guardedness in me. a reluctance to making myself vulnerable. i think it is partly from being the oldest of 4 kids, where my mom was busy coping with life, and kind of depended on me to be the competent one. also, it is a typical scorpio trait, or so they say. this need to always be in control of my emotions, at least on the face of it, has been very strong.
even after ronnie died, i was very careful not to be the falling-apart-type. people told me i handled it all with so much grace. and i did. but it took so much energy to be ok. it was exhausting! and of course, there was lots and lots of falling apart in private. make no mistake!
but during that time i realised 2 things: not talking, sharing, expressing, vocalising my emotions also means not growing, healing. and i learned that writing it down is expressing under controlled conditions. you see, by the time you read all this on my blog, i have thought about it, sorted it, re-read it, and edited it a number of times. so, although i am 'spilling my guts', i am doing so in a very typically measured way.amanda popped into the shop yesterday, after reading my post, and offered to make a banner for my shop, for free! because i inspire her! how awesome is that? thank you so much, amanda, and thank you for reaching out to me.
i think so often we feel the urge to reach out to someone, to tell them we care, to thank them for what they mean to us, to compliment them on something they do. and then we restrain ourselves, feel shy, don't want to intrude. but maybe that someone needs your touch at that moment.
of course, my instant reaction to amanda's offer was no. no, i am not worthy. no, i cannot accept. no, i do not deserve it. i am better at giving that at receiving. but my second reaction was to accept with grace. and with thanks! you see, i am learning.
nothing has changed since i wrote the post. except my attitude. i have decided to calm myself. and it is working a little bit. i am trying to make some me-time. i am hoping to join the girls for a ladies night tonight. these girls are good for my spirit. and on tuesday i am hoping to join liza and some other girls for a mosaicing class. it is something i have wanted to do for ages, and i am sure it will do me good.
also, it is almost spring! when the days get longer and warmer and the birds start singing and the sun starts shining, i always feel my energy levels increasing and the depression waning. the sap is rising, in a manner of speaking.
my son francois, is in cape town for a week. he is visiting the campus of the university of cape town (UCT), and speaking to student advisers and lecturers. he wants to do his master's degree there next year. this is just a 'sussing out' visit, because there are still a number of factors that could influence his decision. not least is the fact that he has applied for a bursary from the university of johannesburg (UJ), where he has studied until now. it is a great bursary, and if he gets it, he would stay and study here.
for someone who started out not knowing what to blog about today, i sure have pounded out a loooong post!
i have been feeling the faint stirrings of creative urges, so i might be scrapping again soon. on the other hand, it could be just my stomach...
jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa
