{scraps of jacki's life}

waste not want not...

so i am in the shower. i have just washed my hair, and i put conditioner on it. enough conditioner.

and there is one drop of conditioner left in the tube. one drop. and i want to throw the tube away. but i cannot do that, as there is one drop of conditioner left. not enough for next time. just one drop.

so i put it on my hair. now the tube is empty, and i can throw it away.

i cannot waste the one drop of conditioner by throwing it away. but i can waste the conditioner by putting it on my hair, although i already have enough there.

and if i was only quirky this way with conditioner, it would be ok. but i'm quirky like this everywhere. my parents grew up in the war, where there was a shortage of all goods. and they taught me to feel guilty if i 'waste' something. some things are easy to decant from the old container to the new. a few instant coffee granules left in the bottle are easy to pour into the new bottle. and a little more tomato paste in the pasta sauce does not make much difference. i even stick the last sliver of the old soap on the new bar, and it bothers nobody.

but if i am full and there are still a few bites of food left, i have to eat it all. i have always admired those people who can leave a few forkfuls of food on their plate, and push it away. or leave a few bites of cake or pudding. lets face it, throwing that food away is less wasteful that eating it even if i don't want it.

of course, sometimes it is a cultural thing. where my parents taught me that if you dish up for yourself, you eat it all. you clean your plate. leaving some food is rude and wasteful. ronnie's afrikaans mother thought that if you clean your plate, it means that you did not have enough food. she would press constantly for you to take more. if you were full, then you would have left some food on your plate.

the one thing about living in africa is that no matter how holed the underwear or worn the shoes, there is always someone who has literally nothing, and who is glad to have it. so i'm spared the anguish of having to throw those away.

this morning i put the little smiley-face gadget on the toothpaste tube that lets you squeeze the last molecule out of it. mike has been using the new tube for a few days already, because he says that just because i am obsessed, it doesn't mean he has to suffer.

this is the same man who has made me get potato peels and apple cores out of the rubbish bin after i accidentally threw them in there, because they have to go to the sheep/birds/composter..

do you do stuff quirky like that too? please tell me how much precious time you waste so you don't waste a few measly cents? please remind me that i am not the only one...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

dropbox

there is something i have been trying for a little while, and it has been working very well. it is called dropbox.

it is an online storage facility, and it has 2 functions. it is an extra back-up for your files, away from your computer. and it is perfect for if you work from 2 computers, like i do.

it gives you 2Gig free, and if you need more, you can upgrade for a fee. you download it on your computer. it creates a folder on your desktop. and as you work, you save your file in this folder. when you are online, it automatically uploads your files to the web. of course, you can still access the file if you are not online, but only on the computer you saved it to in the first place.

then, when you need your file again, you can access it from the folder. and you can access it from another computer. so, you don't have to save it on a flash drive.

Install Dropbox on other computers you use
Computers linked to your Dropbox account automatically sync and always have up-to-date copies of your files. You won't need to email attachments to yourself or carry around USB drives ever again!

there are 2 reasons why i am telling you this: firstly because it works well, and so i wish to share it with you. i also heard about it online, mainly through twitter. secondly, if you join by following this link, then both you and i get 250mb extra free. so we both score.

don't just take my word for it. feel free to visit the dropbox website. you can read all about it there. there are FAQ's and lots more info.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

thank you..

it seems that my previous blog-post has touched a few chords.

most of the comments that i got here and on facebook and in my email, said that you are also feeling a little overwhelmed/blue, or that you have been there and are feeling a little better. thanks for that. it makes me feel less alone..

there are also a few people who think i am a little 'brave' (read crazy) to spill my guts on this public forum. including me. sometimes, after posting something, i have to fight the urge to pull it down. but when i read other incredibly brave posts out there, i feel enriched. touched. inspired. validated. and i realise how poor we would be if we did not share our feelings. our fears. our sadness. our concerns. part of what i like the most about the internet, and blogs especially, is the fact that we share each other's lives. the little details. the intimate feelings and our everyday thoughts.

most of my life, i have been one of those people who 'suffers' in silence. you know, i only talk about something when it is largely over. there is a guardedness in me. a reluctance to making myself vulnerable. i think it is partly from being the oldest of 4 kids, where my mom was busy coping with life, and kind of depended on me to be the competent one. also, it is a typical scorpio trait, or so they say. this need to always be in control of my emotions, at least on the face of it, has been very strong.

even after ronnie died, i was very careful not to be the falling-apart-type. people told me i handled it all with so much grace. and i did. but it took so much energy to be ok. it was exhausting! and of course, there was lots and lots of falling apart in private. make no mistake!

but during that time i realised 2 things: not talking, sharing, expressing, vocalising my emotions also means not growing, healing. and i learned that writing it down is expressing under controlled conditions. you see, by the time you read all this on my blog, i have thought about it, sorted it, re-read it, and edited it a number of times. so, although i am 'spilling my guts', i am doing so in a very typically measured way.

amanda popped into the shop yesterday, after reading my post, and offered to make a banner for my shop, for free! because i inspire her! how awesome is that? thank you so much, amanda, and thank you for reaching out to me.

i think so often we feel the urge to reach out to someone, to tell them we care, to thank them for what they mean to us, to compliment them on something they do. and then we restrain ourselves, feel shy, don't want to intrude. but maybe that someone needs your touch at that moment.

of course, my instant reaction to amanda's offer was no. no, i am not worthy. no, i cannot accept. no, i do not deserve it. i am better at giving that at receiving. but my second reaction was to accept with grace. and with thanks! you see, i am learning.

nothing has changed since i wrote the post. except my attitude. i have decided to calm myself. and it is working a little bit. i am trying to make some me-time. i am hoping to join the girls for a ladies night tonight. these girls are good for my spirit. and on tuesday i am hoping to join liza and some other girls for a mosaicing class. it is something i have wanted to do for ages, and i am sure it will do me good.

also, it is almost spring! when the days get longer and warmer and the birds start singing and the sun starts shining, i always feel my energy levels increasing and the depression waning. the sap is rising, in a manner of speaking.

my son francois, is in cape town for a week. he is visiting the campus of the university of cape town (UCT), and speaking to student advisers and lecturers. he wants to do his master's degree there next year. this is just a 'sussing out' visit, because there are still a number of factors that could influence his decision. not least is the fact that he has applied for a bursary from the university of johannesburg (UJ), where he has studied until now. it is a great bursary, and if he gets it, he would stay and study here.

for someone who started out not knowing what to blog about today, i sure have pounded out a loooong post!

i have been feeling the faint stirrings of creative urges, so i might be scrapping again soon. on the other hand, it could be just my stomach...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

lately...

i have been feeling overwhelmed. stressed. overcome. sorry for myself. drained. worked up.

not all the time. but a lot.

one of the reasons is that i have not felt well. for a good 2 and a half weeks i have been coughing, and having headaches and a very sore neck and shoulders.  not sick enough to be in bed or even go to the doctor, but not well enough to function properly. i am getting better, but not yet 100%.

also, i have been stressing. about how quiet the shop has become. business has become difficult. i know that it is not only me. lots of businesses have closed down or are hanging on by a thread, and lots of scrapbooking shops have disappeared. we have had to cancel many classes the last few weeks, due to lack of interest. it is cold, people do not have money, and lots of people are feeling down and blue and overwhelmed. i know it is not personal. but it is still me who has to pay my rent.

and i am stressing about how expensive everything has become, on top of having less to spend. everything has gone up, and by a lot!

and just when i thought it could not get worse, the tenants in my house are moving out next week. so i have to spend a lot of money painting and fixing and improving the house, and so far there are no tenants for next month. the rental income from that house is a large part of my salary. thankfully i am blessed with a talented and willing and able handyman, who is working long days at fixing and cleaning and helping me out there, to make the house close to perfect again. but dipping deep into the rainy day fund, and finding tiles and paint etc, at a budget and in very limited time, has been difficult.

sean has to go to high school next year, and we have to apply to schools. one school in particular is very demanding - filling in those forms and collecting all the certified copies of all the necessary proof of everything is quite a challenge. not to mention the expense that lies ahead..

and of course, when things become a little stressful, i start stressing about everything, even the things that are not a crisis at the moment. you know, all the loose ends, that we all seem to have in our lives. suddenly they become overwhelming to me.

generally i can cope with some level of stress, and normally i am quite a positive thinker. i can see the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel. but lately i have been finding that harder than normal.

so, why am i blogging about this? what is the point of this whiny post?

as i have found many times in the past, when i write all my worries and problems out here, and read through it a few times to edit, and press 'publish', i feel a lot better. blogging about it all is more effective than therapy for me.

also, when i look back at this post in weeks or months to come, i will be reminded that what is almost too stressful to bear right now, turned out quite ok in the end. i remember reading a while ago on allie's blog about a worry journal, where i write down what is stressing me right now, and when i look back, i can see that it was a storm in a teacup. and so i would be reminded that no matter how difficult things seem at this moment, it will be fine in hindsight. well, this blogpost is like that worry journal. a reminder that no matter how difficult things may seem in the middle of the night, this too shall pass. and i have been through so much worse, and come out better on the other side.

so, i apologise for dumping this all out here for you to see. but, as mel mentioned in a recent post on her blog, i realised i will not be able to return to regular blogging until i mention the elephant in the room. i need to get this all off my chest. because i could not blog around it, and i did not really want to blog about it, i stopped blogging all together.

so, you don't need to leave me cheesy 'chin up' comments. i know. i know!

edited to add: i found a post on karenika's blog that says this all so well!

on a more positive note: how awesomely clever is this:

i wish i had thought of it..

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

this is me..

here is a poem about me:

The Girl in a Whirl (originally by Vicki Gunther)

Look at me, look at me, look at me now!
You could do what I do if you only knew how.
I scrapbook my memories one hour each day;
I bake, I upholster, I scrub, and I pray.
I straighten my craft room nicely and neatly;
I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.
I help in their classrooms! I sew all they wear!
I drive them to practice! I cut all their hair!
On all their school subjects I am an authority;
I teach them to organize life by priority.
I draw and I paint! I bless with my talents!
My toilets all sparkle! My checkbooks all balance!
Each week every child gets a one-on-one date;
I attend all my meetings (on time! never late!)
I'm practicing my serve of the tennis ball,
But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all ...

I track my bad habits 'til each is abolished;
Our bed sheets are ironed! My toenails are polished!
Our family get togethers are always delightful;
I teach my children lessons both fun and insightful.
I do exercise faithfully, too.
It's easy to do all the things that I do!
I rise each day early, refreshed and awake;
I take my friends the things that I bake!
I read to my children! I help all my neighbors!
I bless the community, too, with my labors.
I grow herbs and I cook menus gourmet;
I never procrastinate, I never delay!
I chart resolutions and check off each goal;
Each night I take my husband for a nice stroll.
I can home-grow produce each summer and fall.
But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all ...

I write in my journal! I conduct a youth choir!
Each day, I write 'thank you's' to those I admire.
My kids will be responsible by the age of fourteen!
They all get straight A's! And their bedrooms are clean!
I have a home business to help make some money;
I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.
I go to the gym at least once a week;
I change the car's tires! I fix the sink's leak!
I grind my own wheat and I bake all our bread;
I have all our meals planned out six months ahead.
keep our pantry stocked with every supply;
My shopping for Christmas is done by July!


That is what the girl said, then she dropped dead!

ok, so it is sooo not about me! but i seriously do know people like that, don't you?

i found this on tracy's blog, and loved it.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

how much is safe to share?

through ali edwards on twitter i found this post. (goodness, that is a lot of links in one sentence!)

it is all about sharing photos of your, and other people's kids on the internet. is it safe? what can you do to make it safer?

keep in mind, just for the sake of the context, that this website is used by many pro photographers, who may photograph other people's children too, and whos work may be stolen and used without credit.

i often wonder about this, and i am sure you do too. so go read the post. i cannot write it better. and the comments are good too.

i am not so concerned myself, and will not let a few creeps out there spoil my life. i don't even have any privacy settings on on facebook. but, i don't share any personal information or compromising pics.

and i would find it a very great loss if the people i know or have come to know online, were to stop sharing photos of their families. that is often why i love them in the first place! 

having said that, i am quite prepared to change all that at a moment's notice, if i were to feel  uncomfortable.

so, if you sometimes think about it, read the post here.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbooking shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

bulletpoints and links....

i thought i would post a few links today. as i have mentioned before, a post like this is really just for myself, so i can find these links again when i need them. but you are welcome to enjoy them too. they are really good!

normally i collect links like these in a draft post over a period of time, and when there are a few i publish the post. that explains that some links you may have seen already, and sometimes it has a little disjointed feel to it.

there have been more articles in the newspaper about the death of ronnie. the air traffic controller has been exonerated of all charges against him. i do not completely agree with the verdict, but i accept it, as it makes no difference to my life whatsoever. the articles are here and here.

there is a cool  - and free - photoshop tutorial by cathy zielske here. a really easy trick to create a frame and word art on a photo! you can also find a video tutorial on how to make a photo grid by cathy zielske on ali edwards' blog. you don't have to be a scrapbooker for this, but you do have to have photoshop. and photos.

get inspired by these stunningly creative business cards here. they are really memorable, which is the whole point of a business card.

i'm not sure if this slideshow will work, please let me know? but, here is the slideshow i made for my father's 70th birthday last month. i don't know how to make the file smaller. this is my first attempt at linking to a file like this one. please note that there are some awful eighties hairstyles in there, do not choke on your coffee... my father's name is Jan Bakker.

some of my little butterflies that started here and became world famous, appeared here on toni's blog. she used some i sent to her in australia after she won them in a RAK in a project.

i have been reading jody's blog nitty gritty for more than a year now, and always enjoy it. but this post here is heart-rending and brought tears to my eyes. it is where she tells what happened the day they were in an accident, and their daughter died.

you can find some great free beautiful computer fonts here.

see awesome sand-art that washes away here. so much work, and it only lasts a few hours!

look at some beautiful digital scrapbook pages printed on canvas on wilna furstenburg's blog. i cannot get the link to the specific post to work, so go to the post dated thursday 30th july 2009.

watch this awesomely clever video here that i found on jessica sprague's blog.

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

and, please pop in to see this video on how to make a cute mixed media tag, by the very creative donna downey. i had lots of fun trying it myself, and here is what i came up with. i made cards from them.

 

i love stumbling across a new blog. and i love this blog, by the woman who runs cosmo magazine in south africa, vanessa raphaely.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

linda's jewellery

a friend of mine, linda, makes beautiful jewellery. she sells them on the internet here. photos never do any justice to the real thing, but i as i am always looking for excuses to play with my camera and photoshop, i offered to photograph them for her. it was a new challenge.

she did not pay me to advertise them for her, but i had the photos, and i thought they would make an eye-pleasing blogpost..

love, jacki

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

winter...

Ek hou van winter. "Jy's mal", se my ma, "dis dan koud". Juis, ek hou van koud. En noudat die eerste ysige windjie om die hoekies begin waai, besef ek opnuut weer hoekom.

Dis sesuur en die wekker lui. Manlief, wat nie normaalweg sukkel om op te staan nie, kreun en krul styf teen my op. Hy hou my vas soos hy dit net in die winter doen, so asof hy my warmte vir homself wil vat. Later, as die ryklub-mamma om die hoek weg is met my styf ingepakte mensie, sit ek op die rusbank onder 'n kombers met my koppie oggendkoffie en 'n blink-nuwe tydskrif. Net gou 'n paar bladsye lees, dan gaan ek die wasmasjien aansit. Maar opkom uit my warm kokon is moeilik, en ek lees aan.

In die badkamer - met sy vensters toe teen die winterkoue, bly die warm stoom in die lug hang, en die water in die stort masseer my skouers en my nek, en loop in warm straaltjies oor my bors. Uitklim is swaar, want ek weet dat die koue lug wag om my warm lyf te vang. Aantrek is 'n hele ritueel, met langmoufrokkies en kouse, jasse en serpe.

Ek hou van winter. Ek hou van dik tuisgekookte sop en warm brood, geurige bredie en gebakte poeding, pannekoek met kaneel en bekers stomende warm sjokolade. Ek hou van saans saam onder 'n kombers le voor 'n goeie tv-film, ek hou van warm druk en vry met my kind wat met yskoue ore en neus van die kleuterskool af terugkom. Ek hou van nat wasgoed buite ophang terwyl die koue wind waai. Ek hou van terugkom in die huis waar die kaggel warm brand en dan te se "sjoe, maar dis ysig, ne!"

Mense doen minder - hulle hiberneer en rus van die ywerigheid van die somer. Mense het tyd en lus vir kuier. 'n Mens wil lees en gesels en eet, jy wil jou koue tone by jou geliefde indruk en hulle warmgevryf he. Jy wil in die kol van die oggendson sit en bak, en lui word van sy flouerige strale.

Saans, as die koue sy lang, dun vingers oral probeer indruk, as dit tyd is vir slaap, krul my man weer lekker styf teen my aan onder die duvet en my voete word geleidelik warmer. Dan se ek dankie aan God wat ook die winter gemaak het, sodat ons weer die klein dingetjies sal raaksien en waardeer. Sodat ons tempo sal afneem en ons kan rus, sodat ons siele weer kan warm word.

Ek hou van winter.

i wrote this essay for a book of essays published by the SAVF (Suid Afrikaanse Vroue Federasie) in 1993. the book was called 'Uit die dagboek van 'n ma".

all the illustrations in the book, including the 2 shown here, were done by verona higgs, who is also my aunt.

and it is not 100% true. i don't really love winter. especially not when it is a cold winter, like the one we are having now. and since electricity has become very expensive, and money a little tight, and we do not have heaters on all the time... i wrote that to convince myself. it is called positive thinking.

 jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa