today i'm facing my worst fear.
some time ago i wrote a post called it happened to me, where i wrote about how, after losing my first husband ronnie in an aeroplane crash, i have this issue. ok, i have lots of issues, but today we will just focus on this one, ok?
you see, when something bad happens to you, you also lose your built-in 'it cannot happen to me' shield. since that dreadful day, almost 7 years ago, i have had to deal with my constant fear of it happening again. generally i am an optimist, and i don't tend to worry about what-ifs. except this one: i worry that someone close to me may die. i especially worry that the man, francois and sean may die. i know people die. heck, i know people die! but i also know how terribly bad that is. and i also know that it can happen to me.
this morning, very early, the man, francois and my mother, left with a bunch of other people in 2 mini-buses, to go to port shepstone from benoni. a trip of about 7/8 hours. on the highway. in holiday season. on a public holiday. in the early morning hours, when drivers are tired. i stayed behind, because i had to work today. 3 of my closest loved ones, together in one vehicle.
as i write this, the man has already let me know they have arrived safely. so one half done. before i heard this, i could not even write about it, my stress levels were too high. after they got to port shepstone, they each get behind the wheel of a little chana truck, and started the long drive back. lots of those little trucks need to be driven to gauteng, so they are paying people to drive them back. the man was one of the drivers down in the bus, so he will be driving a total of 15/16 hours today. the rest will drive only one direction. alone in a truck. including francois, my 22 year old son, who has never driven more than 2 hours in one go. they will only be home late tonight.
from the moment that it was all arranged and confirmed last night, i have had this internal battle. i have been constantly praying. i have had the thin, cold snake of fear slithering inside my stomach, so bad that i woke up with a stomach ache. and i feel like i cannot really breathe. extreme stress. in fact, i'm finding it very difficult to write this...
but, i have been working on it. i have been trying to breathe, and to relax. i have been placing my fear in HIS hands. ok, i have been taking it back all the time too, but i know that HE is in control.
today i'm facing my worst fear. and i'm not doing too well. what is yours?
jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbooking shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa
