it started yesterday morning as a crankiness, and a distracted feeling. there was a tightening in the solar plexus. a little later the crankiness became irritation, the distraction became a full blown inability to concentrate, and the tightening became a stomach ache. it felt as though nothing was going right, and everything was a battle. a headache started to form. the neck muscles started to bunch, and the jaw began to tighten. the breathing became shallower, and the heartbeat quicker. at about 2pm, when i went to fetch sean from school, i was in the middle of an anxiety attack. i had to go to the bank, and wait in the queue, and while i was standing there i realized what was happening and tried to calm myself. when i got home, i took a painkiller with a muscle relaxant, and relaxed a little.
i am now officially in what i call ronnie-week. it starts on the 14th, on his birthday. it continues past the 19th, the anniversary of his death, and only ends on the 26th, the date of the funeral. actually more than a week then... and it always hits me harder than i expect. that's not quite true. these days i have learned to expect that it hits me harder that i expect. so i expect it. but, even if you expect it to be difficult, it is still difficult.
thanks to all of you who sent me messages, emails, and comments of support. i appreciate it. i am ok, i really am. i'm not writing about all this because i'm overwhelmed, but, as i have said before, because it is my way of processing, of thinking it through. and, as wonderful as the manis, and while i can really talk to him about anything, this is something that he doesn't really want to share with me. he gives me space, and i spare him the details.
so, on a lighter note, i thought i would share my photos i took on saturday, for the twelve-of-twelve thing i wrote about on friday.
here are 12 photos taken on saturday 12 april 2008. they tell the story of my day. they are not 'pretty' or well shot, or of some memorable moments, just an ordinary day in my life. that is the point.
i got up at 07h12. a little later than i should.
it was dark outside, and raining hard.
the chickens and ducks and turkeys were making a noise, as they do every morning, as they were waiting for their breakfast. it is so special to hear them every morning! they live right outside the bedroom window.
the man pulled the pillow over his head, and swore loudly when he saw me pointing the camera at him. this is not so special to hear in the morning...
sean was lying in his bed, reading his harry potter book. he is not a big reader, so i love this!
in the shop, liza had a class.
as i left the shop in the afternoon, i looked back to take a photo of the centre. it was sunny then.
i put the finishing touches to the tin i made for tian, for his birthday.
and finished his card too.
we had frozen pizzas for supper, that we add extra toppings to before we pop them in the oven.
the man fell asleep on the couch, as usual.
i HATE photos of myself, and this one is no exception. but, the rules of twelve-of-twelve say that you have to include a photo of yourself. it is about MY day, after all..
i went to bed earlyish, about 10pm. and i didn't see francois at all until after i was in bed.
so you see, an ordinary day. an ordinarily happy day. but in light of the fact that i am this week remembering the day my husband died, i have learned that an ordinary day is great!
jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES
i am now officially in what i call ronnie-week. it starts on the 14th, on his birthday. it continues past the 19th, the anniversary of his death, and only ends on the 26th, the date of the funeral. actually more than a week then... and it always hits me harder than i expect. that's not quite true. these days i have learned to expect that it hits me harder that i expect. so i expect it. but, even if you expect it to be difficult, it is still difficult.
thanks to all of you who sent me messages, emails, and comments of support. i appreciate it. i am ok, i really am. i'm not writing about all this because i'm overwhelmed, but, as i have said before, because it is my way of processing, of thinking it through. and, as wonderful as the manis, and while i can really talk to him about anything, this is something that he doesn't really want to share with me. he gives me space, and i spare him the details.
so, on a lighter note, i thought i would share my photos i took on saturday, for the twelve-of-twelve thing i wrote about on friday.
here are 12 photos taken on saturday 12 april 2008. they tell the story of my day. they are not 'pretty' or well shot, or of some memorable moments, just an ordinary day in my life. that is the point.
i got up at 07h12. a little later than i should.
it was dark outside, and raining hard.
the chickens and ducks and turkeys were making a noise, as they do every morning, as they were waiting for their breakfast. it is so special to hear them every morning! they live right outside the bedroom window.
the man pulled the pillow over his head, and swore loudly when he saw me pointing the camera at him. this is not so special to hear in the morning...
sean was lying in his bed, reading his harry potter book. he is not a big reader, so i love this!
in the shop, liza had a class.
as i left the shop in the afternoon, i looked back to take a photo of the centre. it was sunny then.
i put the finishing touches to the tin i made for tian, for his birthday.
and finished his card too.
we had frozen pizzas for supper, that we add extra toppings to before we pop them in the oven.
the man fell asleep on the couch, as usual.
i HATE photos of myself, and this one is no exception. but, the rules of twelve-of-twelve say that you have to include a photo of yourself. it is about MY day, after all..
i went to bed earlyish, about 10pm. and i didn't see francois at all until after i was in bed.
so you see, an ordinary day. an ordinarily happy day. but in light of the fact that i am this week remembering the day my husband died, i have learned that an ordinary day is great!
jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES
