{scraps of jacki's life}

i have come to realise that...

....different cars look better in different colours.

i know that when you saw the title of this post, you were anticipating the same insight and wisdom you have come to expect from me and my blog. but i cannot be brilliant all the time, and what awesomeness i have, i mostly share in 140-character bites on twitter.

but i have just started this post. who knows, i may be able to put a philosophical spin on it. let's just see where this goes before we criticize, shall we?

anyway. different cars look better in different colours. for instance: i drove past a dark grey volkswagen jetta today. and it is beautiful. some cars just work in dark green, and others don't. some cars look dead in black, and some look classy and expensive. personally, i don't like a white or silver car at all. you say it is practical, i say it is boring. some colours just look better on some makes and models, and not so great on others.

do you remember when i posted in june about francois' new car here and here? well, at the same time i was also car-hunting. i drive a 8-year old jeep grand cherokee. a gold one. ronnie bought it before he died. it is very heavy on fuel, so very expensive. and also, every time it needs to be fixed or serviced, it costs the earth, because it uses only jeep parts. and they are imported. and it breaks constantly. as a result, it has become more expensive to run and maintain, than to buy a new car. so i decided to buy a new one. duh!

now, buying a new car is not very easy for me. i have limited time, as my shop hours are longer than your average car dealer's. and i have never done this before. so the process took a while. and when i finally made my choice, and let the salesman know i was ready to sign on the dotted line, he said, for the very first time, that the car i chose was sold out. everywhere. and i would have to wait. till september.

i chose a nissan qashqai 1.6.

so, here we are, 2.5 months later. in september. and i have not heard a word from them. i guess i forgot to ask september which year. one would think in this economy they would give a little service. i am a certain sale. i have waited for this specific car for months. i have test-driven it. i have agreed in principle. i am ready. with very little effort they will have their money.

there is just one thing: different cars look better in different colours. and i have not yet decided on the colour.

ooohh! shiny.. with the dirt road i drive on every day, it will not be very shiny for long.

this one is goldish brown. dust coloured. practical. the actual name of the colour is 'cafe latte'.

red...

silver..

red. there are 2 shades of red. a 'ruby red' and a 'fired iron', which is an orangy red.

and white. boring??

the thing is, i am leaning to the red. but i have only seen a red one in photos, or flashing past me on the highway. and i am not ordering a car if i am not 100% sure it is something i will love driving for the next 7 years. my second choice is the 'cafe latte'. (if the cafe latte was the colour it looks to be in this online brochure from nissan, i would take it. but the colour displayed is not very accurate. pity.)

i am really looking forward to the car, and i am hoping to report to you on getting it soon!

and if you are/know a nissan salesman in south africa, let me know.

what car do you drive? in what colour?

oh yes. it seems there is no deep message in this post. i will try again tomorrow.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

sometimes i wish...

... i could work from home.

i would love to do some blog-designing and writing work. and i would love to do it from home.

why?

well, i could work on my laptop. in bed. in my pajamas.

discipline would not be a problem, because i have a supervisor:

her name is snowy. and she is a strict taskmaster..

she sleeps with her head on my keyboard. and since i don't have the heart to disturb her, i don't move.

of course, sometimes i have to share her with sean.

maybe then i could jump up for a quick shower, and to get some coffee.

i posted about her here before. she is the princess in our house.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

creative projects...

i took this photo in the shop last week.

i had 3 creative projects on the go at the same time.

the girls who regularly come to the wednesday morning scrapbooking class, wanted to go to a mosaicing class. and since i have wanted to try it for ages, i tagged along. this is my first project, and i loved it.

i also stained this tray. it is the same tea tray i have blogged about before here and here. and i have mentioned this layout i made of this photo of me when i was 18 years old here.

and finally, i scrap-lifted this layout from chantal. these photos of my mom were taken at the photoshoot by amelia.

all in all a very creative week!

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

out on the tiles...

i have put an eyeliner pencil in my shower, so i can write on the tiles.

i don't know about you, but i always think of the most eloquent blogposts, the funniest tweets and most assertive emails while i am in the shower. but when i sit down in front of my computer, they are gone. erased from my memory banks.

it happened again the other morning. i thought of a witty tweet, but by the time i was out of the shower, the tweet had disappeared forever, into the gray matter that is the 'lost property' section of my brain.

so, i put an eyeliner pencil in my shower. i don't use it much anyway, only to draw moles on faces for dress-up parties. and now, when i get a brain wave, i write it on the tiles.

the man really does not like this at all: all the cryptic notes on the tiles, for a medium that he does not understand. but i throw in the odd love note for him, and make sure i wash the notes off regularly, so he puts up with it.

i took a photo of the notes for blogposts, so i could blog about making notes for blogposts.

i also get really good ideas while i am driving, and then i use the voice recorder on my cellphone, like a dictaphone.

'out on the tiles' is a british phrase for going out for a night on the town. it is also the title of a song by the english rock band led zeppelin, from the 1970's, according to wikipedia.

when and where do you get your best ideas?

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

profile pics..

i love that in the new typepad i can make (and change) the URL for my blogposts. in fact, there is a lot i love about the new typepad!

i wanted a new profile pic. and as i hate myself in photos, and i cannot act natural in front of a camera, and i had an unexpected 15 minutes available, i took some photos of myself in the mirror.

....as you do...

my theory is that if i take 100 photos, 1 of them should be OK.

there is so much wrong with this photo. but somehow the grittiness and moodiness reflects me at this time, so it will do for now...

i have thought of an interesting theme for a blogpost. i have even come up with a catchy title. my best post ever! now, all i have to do is write it...

i found this video on vanessa's blog. having an adult son myself, i found this hilarious! except in our case it works the other way around..

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

spring day celebrations...

yesterday was spring day here in the southern hemisphere. as is tradition, we dressed up in bright summery clothes to celebrate the coming of spring.

i took my camera out, to see how spring was being celebrated in my neighborhood.

 

ah, the fruit trees were looking just peachy!

 

a beautiful pink outfit makes her look so fine..

and this tree is wearing a perfectly summery combination of pink and green.

 

mr and mrs duck were also in their spring-best. she even has purple

lipstick on her beak to match the purple in her skirt.

and mr duck was looking especially colorful.

die vere maak die voel, se hulle...

mr rooster had his hair done to impress..

 

and of course, there is always a show-off, who just has to look better than everyone else...

 

the budgies were dressed for ro-mance....

 

of course there are always those spoilsports who think these celebrations are just a ploy of retailers, who commercialize days like this for their own gain. so, ms cat rolled around in the dust to show her disdain.

 

and there are those who do not read the memo...

 

and who refuse to pack away their winter wollies until they are sure there are no more chills on the way...

but fortunately those who love spring

 

really went all out to celebrate!

what did you do?

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

spring fever again...

last year on spring day i posted this on my blog. it quickly turned out to be one of the most popular posts on my blog ever.

this year i cannot do anything to top it. and since it still makes me happy, and many of you have not seen it, so i thought i would repeat it. recycling? regifting? or just plain lazy?...

just so you know, i live in the southern hemisphere, and 1 september is a celebration of spring day.

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something really weird happened in the shop today.

a whole swarm of paper butterflies just flew in the door.

and just in time for spring too.

they settled everywhere.

*get a room, butterflies...* you'll have to excuse some of those butterflies, but it is spring, after all...

 

some even flew out the door with toothpicks in their ass under their wings, and settled into the potted plants of all the other tenants in the center.

bizarre...

nobody knew where they came from...

it was a beautiful sight!

the butterflies were cut and embossed with the butterfly cuttlebug template

see some cards with these butterflies here, a layout with them here and here and here, and a gift box with them here. then i scrapped this blogpost, and blogged about scrapping the blogpost... whew!

and more butterflies here.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

this post was featured on scrapscene and on scrapbookeronline and scrappertalk and gingerblue on 7 november 08. a mention of this post on two peas' messageboard caused a huge and unexpected spike in traffic. thanks!

waste not want not...

so i am in the shower. i have just washed my hair, and i put conditioner on it. enough conditioner.

and there is one drop of conditioner left in the tube. one drop. and i want to throw the tube away. but i cannot do that, as there is one drop of conditioner left. not enough for next time. just one drop.

so i put it on my hair. now the tube is empty, and i can throw it away.

i cannot waste the one drop of conditioner by throwing it away. but i can waste the conditioner by putting it on my hair, although i already have enough there.

and if i was only quirky this way with conditioner, it would be ok. but i'm quirky like this everywhere. my parents grew up in the war, where there was a shortage of all goods. and they taught me to feel guilty if i 'waste' something. some things are easy to decant from the old container to the new. a few instant coffee granules left in the bottle are easy to pour into the new bottle. and a little more tomato paste in the pasta sauce does not make much difference. i even stick the last sliver of the old soap on the new bar, and it bothers nobody.

but if i am full and there are still a few bites of food left, i have to eat it all. i have always admired those people who can leave a few forkfuls of food on their plate, and push it away. or leave a few bites of cake or pudding. lets face it, throwing that food away is less wasteful that eating it even if i don't want it.

of course, sometimes it is a cultural thing. where my parents taught me that if you dish up for yourself, you eat it all. you clean your plate. leaving some food is rude and wasteful. ronnie's afrikaans mother thought that if you clean your plate, it means that you did not have enough food. she would press constantly for you to take more. if you were full, then you would have left some food on your plate.

the one thing about living in africa is that no matter how holed the underwear or worn the shoes, there is always someone who has literally nothing, and who is glad to have it. so i'm spared the anguish of having to throw those away.

this morning i put the little smiley-face gadget on the toothpaste tube that lets you squeeze the last molecule out of it. mike has been using the new tube for a few days already, because he says that just because i am obsessed, it doesn't mean he has to suffer.

this is the same man who has made me get potato peels and apple cores out of the rubbish bin after i accidentally threw them in there, because they have to go to the sheep/birds/composter..

do you do stuff quirky like that too? please tell me how much precious time you waste so you don't waste a few measly cents? please remind me that i am not the only one...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

dropbox

there is something i have been trying for a little while, and it has been working very well. it is called dropbox.

it is an online storage facility, and it has 2 functions. it is an extra back-up for your files, away from your computer. and it is perfect for if you work from 2 computers, like i do.

it gives you 2Gig free, and if you need more, you can upgrade for a fee. you download it on your computer. it creates a folder on your desktop. and as you work, you save your file in this folder. when you are online, it automatically uploads your files to the web. of course, you can still access the file if you are not online, but only on the computer you saved it to in the first place.

then, when you need your file again, you can access it from the folder. and you can access it from another computer. so, you don't have to save it on a flash drive.

Install Dropbox on other computers you use
Computers linked to your Dropbox account automatically sync and always have up-to-date copies of your files. You won't need to email attachments to yourself or carry around USB drives ever again!

there are 2 reasons why i am telling you this: firstly because it works well, and so i wish to share it with you. i also heard about it online, mainly through twitter. secondly, if you join by following this link, then both you and i get 250mb extra free. so we both score.

don't just take my word for it. feel free to visit the dropbox website. you can read all about it there. there are FAQ's and lots more info.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

thank you..

it seems that my previous blog-post has touched a few chords.

most of the comments that i got here and on facebook and in my email, said that you are also feeling a little overwhelmed/blue, or that you have been there and are feeling a little better. thanks for that. it makes me feel less alone..

there are also a few people who think i am a little 'brave' (read crazy) to spill my guts on this public forum. including me. sometimes, after posting something, i have to fight the urge to pull it down. but when i read other incredibly brave posts out there, i feel enriched. touched. inspired. validated. and i realise how poor we would be if we did not share our feelings. our fears. our sadness. our concerns. part of what i like the most about the internet, and blogs especially, is the fact that we share each other's lives. the little details. the intimate feelings and our everyday thoughts.

most of my life, i have been one of those people who 'suffers' in silence. you know, i only talk about something when it is largely over. there is a guardedness in me. a reluctance to making myself vulnerable. i think it is partly from being the oldest of 4 kids, where my mom was busy coping with life, and kind of depended on me to be the competent one. also, it is a typical scorpio trait, or so they say. this need to always be in control of my emotions, at least on the face of it, has been very strong.

even after ronnie died, i was very careful not to be the falling-apart-type. people told me i handled it all with so much grace. and i did. but it took so much energy to be ok. it was exhausting! and of course, there was lots and lots of falling apart in private. make no mistake!

but during that time i realised 2 things: not talking, sharing, expressing, vocalising my emotions also means not growing, healing. and i learned that writing it down is expressing under controlled conditions. you see, by the time you read all this on my blog, i have thought about it, sorted it, re-read it, and edited it a number of times. so, although i am 'spilling my guts', i am doing so in a very typically measured way.

amanda popped into the shop yesterday, after reading my post, and offered to make a banner for my shop, for free! because i inspire her! how awesome is that? thank you so much, amanda, and thank you for reaching out to me.

i think so often we feel the urge to reach out to someone, to tell them we care, to thank them for what they mean to us, to compliment them on something they do. and then we restrain ourselves, feel shy, don't want to intrude. but maybe that someone needs your touch at that moment.

of course, my instant reaction to amanda's offer was no. no, i am not worthy. no, i cannot accept. no, i do not deserve it. i am better at giving that at receiving. but my second reaction was to accept with grace. and with thanks! you see, i am learning.

nothing has changed since i wrote the post. except my attitude. i have decided to calm myself. and it is working a little bit. i am trying to make some me-time. i am hoping to join the girls for a ladies night tonight. these girls are good for my spirit. and on tuesday i am hoping to join liza and some other girls for a mosaicing class. it is something i have wanted to do for ages, and i am sure it will do me good.

also, it is almost spring! when the days get longer and warmer and the birds start singing and the sun starts shining, i always feel my energy levels increasing and the depression waning. the sap is rising, in a manner of speaking.

my son francois, is in cape town for a week. he is visiting the campus of the university of cape town (UCT), and speaking to student advisers and lecturers. he wants to do his master's degree there next year. this is just a 'sussing out' visit, because there are still a number of factors that could influence his decision. not least is the fact that he has applied for a bursary from the university of johannesburg (UJ), where he has studied until now. it is a great bursary, and if he gets it, he would stay and study here.

for someone who started out not knowing what to blog about today, i sure have pounded out a loooong post!

i have been feeling the faint stirrings of creative urges, so i might be scrapping again soon. on the other hand, it could be just my stomach...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

lately...

i have been feeling overwhelmed. stressed. overcome. sorry for myself. drained. worked up.

not all the time. but a lot.

one of the reasons is that i have not felt well. for a good 2 and a half weeks i have been coughing, and having headaches and a very sore neck and shoulders.  not sick enough to be in bed or even go to the doctor, but not well enough to function properly. i am getting better, but not yet 100%.

also, i have been stressing. about how quiet the shop has become. business has become difficult. i know that it is not only me. lots of businesses have closed down or are hanging on by a thread, and lots of scrapbooking shops have disappeared. we have had to cancel many classes the last few weeks, due to lack of interest. it is cold, people do not have money, and lots of people are feeling down and blue and overwhelmed. i know it is not personal. but it is still me who has to pay my rent.

and i am stressing about how expensive everything has become, on top of having less to spend. everything has gone up, and by a lot!

and just when i thought it could not get worse, the tenants in my house are moving out next week. so i have to spend a lot of money painting and fixing and improving the house, and so far there are no tenants for next month. the rental income from that house is a large part of my salary. thankfully i am blessed with a talented and willing and able handyman, who is working long days at fixing and cleaning and helping me out there, to make the house close to perfect again. but dipping deep into the rainy day fund, and finding tiles and paint etc, at a budget and in very limited time, has been difficult.

sean has to go to high school next year, and we have to apply to schools. one school in particular is very demanding - filling in those forms and collecting all the certified copies of all the necessary proof of everything is quite a challenge. not to mention the expense that lies ahead..

and of course, when things become a little stressful, i start stressing about everything, even the things that are not a crisis at the moment. you know, all the loose ends, that we all seem to have in our lives. suddenly they become overwhelming to me.

generally i can cope with some level of stress, and normally i am quite a positive thinker. i can see the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel. but lately i have been finding that harder than normal.

so, why am i blogging about this? what is the point of this whiny post?

as i have found many times in the past, when i write all my worries and problems out here, and read through it a few times to edit, and press 'publish', i feel a lot better. blogging about it all is more effective than therapy for me.

also, when i look back at this post in weeks or months to come, i will be reminded that what is almost too stressful to bear right now, turned out quite ok in the end. i remember reading a while ago on allie's blog about a worry journal, where i write down what is stressing me right now, and when i look back, i can see that it was a storm in a teacup. and so i would be reminded that no matter how difficult things seem at this moment, it will be fine in hindsight. well, this blogpost is like that worry journal. a reminder that no matter how difficult things may seem in the middle of the night, this too shall pass. and i have been through so much worse, and come out better on the other side.

so, i apologise for dumping this all out here for you to see. but, as mel mentioned in a recent post on her blog, i realised i will not be able to return to regular blogging until i mention the elephant in the room. i need to get this all off my chest. because i could not blog around it, and i did not really want to blog about it, i stopped blogging all together.

so, you don't need to leave me cheesy 'chin up' comments. i know. i know!

edited to add: i found a post on karenika's blog that says this all so well!

on a more positive note: how awesomely clever is this:

i wish i had thought of it..

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

this is me..

here is a poem about me:

The Girl in a Whirl (originally by Vicki Gunther)

Look at me, look at me, look at me now!
You could do what I do if you only knew how.
I scrapbook my memories one hour each day;
I bake, I upholster, I scrub, and I pray.
I straighten my craft room nicely and neatly;
I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.
I help in their classrooms! I sew all they wear!
I drive them to practice! I cut all their hair!
On all their school subjects I am an authority;
I teach them to organize life by priority.
I draw and I paint! I bless with my talents!
My toilets all sparkle! My checkbooks all balance!
Each week every child gets a one-on-one date;
I attend all my meetings (on time! never late!)
I'm practicing my serve of the tennis ball,
But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all ...

I track my bad habits 'til each is abolished;
Our bed sheets are ironed! My toenails are polished!
Our family get togethers are always delightful;
I teach my children lessons both fun and insightful.
I do exercise faithfully, too.
It's easy to do all the things that I do!
I rise each day early, refreshed and awake;
I take my friends the things that I bake!
I read to my children! I help all my neighbors!
I bless the community, too, with my labors.
I grow herbs and I cook menus gourmet;
I never procrastinate, I never delay!
I chart resolutions and check off each goal;
Each night I take my husband for a nice stroll.
I can home-grow produce each summer and fall.
But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all ...

I write in my journal! I conduct a youth choir!
Each day, I write 'thank you's' to those I admire.
My kids will be responsible by the age of fourteen!
They all get straight A's! And their bedrooms are clean!
I have a home business to help make some money;
I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.
I go to the gym at least once a week;
I change the car's tires! I fix the sink's leak!
I grind my own wheat and I bake all our bread;
I have all our meals planned out six months ahead.
keep our pantry stocked with every supply;
My shopping for Christmas is done by July!


That is what the girl said, then she dropped dead!

ok, so it is sooo not about me! but i seriously do know people like that, don't you?

i found this on tracy's blog, and loved it.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

how much is safe to share?

through ali edwards on twitter i found this post. (goodness, that is a lot of links in one sentence!)

it is all about sharing photos of your, and other people's kids on the internet. is it safe? what can you do to make it safer?

keep in mind, just for the sake of the context, that this website is used by many pro photographers, who may photograph other people's children too, and whos work may be stolen and used without credit.

i often wonder about this, and i am sure you do too. so go read the post. i cannot write it better. and the comments are good too.

i am not so concerned myself, and will not let a few creeps out there spoil my life. i don't even have any privacy settings on on facebook. but, i don't share any personal information or compromising pics.

and i would find it a very great loss if the people i know or have come to know online, were to stop sharing photos of their families. that is often why i love them in the first place! 

having said that, i am quite prepared to change all that at a moment's notice, if i were to feel  uncomfortable.

so, if you sometimes think about it, read the post here.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbooking shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

bulletpoints and links....

i thought i would post a few links today. as i have mentioned before, a post like this is really just for myself, so i can find these links again when i need them. but you are welcome to enjoy them too. they are really good!

normally i collect links like these in a draft post over a period of time, and when there are a few i publish the post. that explains that some links you may have seen already, and sometimes it has a little disjointed feel to it.

there have been more articles in the newspaper about the death of ronnie. the air traffic controller has been exonerated of all charges against him. i do not completely agree with the verdict, but i accept it, as it makes no difference to my life whatsoever. the articles are here and here.

there is a cool  - and free - photoshop tutorial by cathy zielske here. a really easy trick to create a frame and word art on a photo! you can also find a video tutorial on how to make a photo grid by cathy zielske on ali edwards' blog. you don't have to be a scrapbooker for this, but you do have to have photoshop. and photos.

get inspired by these stunningly creative business cards here. they are really memorable, which is the whole point of a business card.

i'm not sure if this slideshow will work, please let me know? but, here is the slideshow i made for my father's 70th birthday last month. i don't know how to make the file smaller. this is my first attempt at linking to a file like this one. please note that there are some awful eighties hairstyles in there, do not choke on your coffee... my father's name is Jan Bakker.

some of my little butterflies that started here and became world famous, appeared here on toni's blog. she used some i sent to her in australia after she won them in a RAK in a project.

i have been reading jody's blog nitty gritty for more than a year now, and always enjoy it. but this post here is heart-rending and brought tears to my eyes. it is where she tells what happened the day they were in an accident, and their daughter died.

you can find some great free beautiful computer fonts here.

see awesome sand-art that washes away here. so much work, and it only lasts a few hours!

look at some beautiful digital scrapbook pages printed on canvas on wilna furstenburg's blog. i cannot get the link to the specific post to work, so go to the post dated thursday 30th july 2009.

watch this awesomely clever video here that i found on jessica sprague's blog.

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

and, please pop in to see this video on how to make a cute mixed media tag, by the very creative donna downey. i had lots of fun trying it myself, and here is what i came up with. i made cards from them.

 

i love stumbling across a new blog. and i love this blog, by the woman who runs cosmo magazine in south africa, vanessa raphaely.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

linda's jewellery

a friend of mine, linda, makes beautiful jewellery. she sells them on the internet here. photos never do any justice to the real thing, but i as i am always looking for excuses to play with my camera and photoshop, i offered to photograph them for her. it was a new challenge.

she did not pay me to advertise them for her, but i had the photos, and i thought they would make an eye-pleasing blogpost..

love, jacki

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

winter...

Ek hou van winter. "Jy's mal", se my ma, "dis dan koud". Juis, ek hou van koud. En noudat die eerste ysige windjie om die hoekies begin waai, besef ek opnuut weer hoekom.

Dis sesuur en die wekker lui. Manlief, wat nie normaalweg sukkel om op te staan nie, kreun en krul styf teen my op. Hy hou my vas soos hy dit net in die winter doen, so asof hy my warmte vir homself wil vat. Later, as die ryklub-mamma om die hoek weg is met my styf ingepakte mensie, sit ek op die rusbank onder 'n kombers met my koppie oggendkoffie en 'n blink-nuwe tydskrif. Net gou 'n paar bladsye lees, dan gaan ek die wasmasjien aansit. Maar opkom uit my warm kokon is moeilik, en ek lees aan.

In die badkamer - met sy vensters toe teen die winterkoue, bly die warm stoom in die lug hang, en die water in die stort masseer my skouers en my nek, en loop in warm straaltjies oor my bors. Uitklim is swaar, want ek weet dat die koue lug wag om my warm lyf te vang. Aantrek is 'n hele ritueel, met langmoufrokkies en kouse, jasse en serpe.

Ek hou van winter. Ek hou van dik tuisgekookte sop en warm brood, geurige bredie en gebakte poeding, pannekoek met kaneel en bekers stomende warm sjokolade. Ek hou van saans saam onder 'n kombers le voor 'n goeie tv-film, ek hou van warm druk en vry met my kind wat met yskoue ore en neus van die kleuterskool af terugkom. Ek hou van nat wasgoed buite ophang terwyl die koue wind waai. Ek hou van terugkom in die huis waar die kaggel warm brand en dan te se "sjoe, maar dis ysig, ne!"

Mense doen minder - hulle hiberneer en rus van die ywerigheid van die somer. Mense het tyd en lus vir kuier. 'n Mens wil lees en gesels en eet, jy wil jou koue tone by jou geliefde indruk en hulle warmgevryf he. Jy wil in die kol van die oggendson sit en bak, en lui word van sy flouerige strale.

Saans, as die koue sy lang, dun vingers oral probeer indruk, as dit tyd is vir slaap, krul my man weer lekker styf teen my aan onder die duvet en my voete word geleidelik warmer. Dan se ek dankie aan God wat ook die winter gemaak het, sodat ons weer die klein dingetjies sal raaksien en waardeer. Sodat ons tempo sal afneem en ons kan rus, sodat ons siele weer kan warm word.

Ek hou van winter.

i wrote this essay for a book of essays published by the SAVF (Suid Afrikaanse Vroue Federasie) in 1993. the book was called 'Uit die dagboek van 'n ma".

all the illustrations in the book, including the 2 shown here, were done by verona higgs, who is also my aunt.

and it is not 100% true. i don't really love winter. especially not when it is a cold winter, like the one we are having now. and since electricity has become very expensive, and money a little tight, and we do not have heaters on all the time... i wrote that to convince myself. it is called positive thinking.

 jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

shitty day..

liza is a colleague and a friend, and i have blogged about her many times before. her mother-in-law, dirk's mother, died on monday evening. you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

i got this email from someone close to me* today. names have been changed to protect the innocent. and the guilty..

Thursday 28 July……

 My day has been pretty SHIT thanks.

T* woke up grumpy and nothing would go well for him. Eventually I got angry and shouted at him.

C* woke up miserable and cried/tantrumed and nothing would go well for her. Eventually I got angry and shouted at her.

A* was as good as gold as always, helped with the other 2 etc.

Then they went to the car so long, while I finished getting myself and the house ready to leave…….

Then A* CRASHED THE CAR INTO THE GARAGE!!!!!!

She is 7………

All she tried to do was turn the key so that the heater would go on to warm up the car while they wait…. My stupid instruction, but I thought she could handle it: she is The Responsible One.

Of course she turned the key too far – and started the car, which was in reverse gear, so it “jumped”, …into the garage wall and door.

It is/WAS a brand new – 3 month old Tucson, 6000km only. First time I’ve EVER had a new car. (why didn’t she crash all the previous old cars I had?)

And now it has a huge ding on the back!

And I keep imagining what could have happened if T* or C* had been standing behind the boot at the time – they would have been pinned (CSI-style) between the car and the wall!

As any good mother would do, I:

1. Thanked the Lord that no-one was hurt. (3 seconds)
2. Said to myself it was only an accident and she meant no harm, wasn’t being naughty. (2 seconds)
3. Let rip – into T* and C* for being so impossible the whole morning. Surely it was their fault? (7 minutes)
4. Cried (30 minutes)
5. Felt guilty for shouting – it is my fault after all (rest of the day/rest of my life)
6. Cried some more as shock kicked in/wore off/whatever
7. Phoned Husband*, went to assessor etc

 all of this was before 8am.

So, how was your morning???

well, here is some more misery:

our very good worker, isaac, has been trying to get an ID book for a very long time, without success. on monday he spent a small fortune to go to pretoria in a taxi, to see if he could sort anything out.

while he was there, he was mugged in the toilet. they stole all his money. he tried to phone my man for help, but he has a useless cellphone, and the battery went flat. so he had to WALK home. from pretoria to benoni. a distance that takes me almost an hour by car. on the highway. it took him 2 DAYS! 2 days with no food, water, money, shelter or any means of contacting anybody. the man tried to phone him a few times, and even his family did not know where he was.

*edited to add: someone asked me why he did not go to the police for help. in the past he was held for 2 days in cells for being an illegal immigrant. he is not, he is south african. when he was eventually released, he asked where his bicycle and cellphone were, that he had when he was detained. they claimed that they knew nothing. the police had stolen his phone and his bicycle. this is not his only bad experience with the police. so, he does not trust them, and will never go to them for help.*

this is a man who is gentle and shy and quiet and dependable. he cannot afford this, and certainly does not deserve it! my heart breaks!

on tuesday at around 6pm, the local supermarket where i pop in for groceries 2 or so times a week, and where almost everyone i know pops in regularly too, was robbed at gunpoint by 22 odd armed robbers. it seems that many shots were fired, and some were injured, and lots of cash was stolen.

i have been reading and hearing of a lot of people for who this was a very difficult week. people dying, people crying. people who's kids are causing them great heartache and worry. people who's finances and marriages are dangerously close to collapse.

and i realise how blessed i am, and how much i have to be grateful for...

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

time flies...

i am still here...

 but i don't know where the time goes. before i know it, half the week is gone! i never meant to stay away this long but i felt like i had nothing new to say...

so, what have i been doing?

well, a little of this:

reading blogs. in my fabulous google reader.

and working through this:

never-ending emails.

and a little too much of this:

bricks breaking and other games on facebook.

and speaking of facebook, i have been here:

and hanging out on twitter:

and doing lots and lots and lots of photo-editing in photoshop:

(that cute little kid is me.)

why have i been photoshopping so much?

i have been doing an incredible photo-editing course with the talented jessica sprague, and also collecting and editing photos of this guy:

who became this man:

who is my father, who is turning 70 on monday. and i am making a slide-show of his life story in photos. i will share more of this next week.

also: i have been running a shop in difficult times, living, laughing, playing, stressing, and just generally been living!

i have been loving this music, that i found on rozanne's blog. thanks ro! it is made by John Schmidt and Steven Sharp Nelson and it is called Love Story. It is a mash of a Taylor Swift song and Coldplay's Viva La Vida. i have played it countless times these last 2 weeks!

and while you are on youtube, you can watch this very well crafted stop-action video, made with post-it notes:

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

now...

i have been playing with photoshop again. i just love it! i have been doing jessica sprague's photo editing course. i am going to learn about brushes next!

i pop into the cuttlebug challenge blog from time to time, to get some ideas and inspiration. their challenge for this week brought my butterfly post to mind, so i entered it. that post is still one of the most popular ones i ever did.

i am part of typepad's beta team, and i have been using typepad's new design for quite some time now. and i am very happy. but best of all is the AWESOME stats. their stats were not too bad to start off with, but now they are great.

for some reason i have been getting fewer comments lately. are you not talking to me anymore? i also often visit your blog without commenting, so i'm guilty too. but i have been trying a little harder, because i have been missing the conversation. please talk to me...

anyway, i have not had much to say on my blog since i started playing 'bricks breaking' on facebook and hanging out on twitter a few weeks ago. i wonder if that has anything to do with it?... nah! so, i stole this of my new blog-friend wenchy's blog, so i at least had something to post here today. besides, it seems to be list-season i blogland, so you cannot judge me as you probably did a list-thingy this week too...

1) Are your parents married or divorced?
married. 44 years last week.

2) Are you a vegetarian?
no. i like oxtail too much.

3) Do you believe in Heaven?
oh yes!

4) Have you ever come close to dying?
no. I may have wanted to, but no. (sorry wenchy. here i even stole your answer too. i stoop to great depths to provide great comic content to my loyal readers)

5) What jewelry do you wear?
chunky costume jewelry. i get bored quickly, and i don't have a rich lover. (yet)

6) Favorite time of day?
lunchtime...

7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
jip!

8) Do you wear makeup?
yes. always. never used to when i was younger.

9) Ever have plastic surgery?
yes. i need all the help i can get.

10) Do you color your hair?
of course. i am not as blonde as i pretend to be.

11) What do you wear to bed?
PJ's.

12) Have you ever done anything illegal?
who wants to know? who do you work for? are you wearing a wire?

13) Can you roll your tongue?
yes. why would anyone want to know that?

14) Do You Tweeze your eyebrows?
no. it shows.

15) What kind of sneakers?
crocs. i don't wear sneakers, as i don't do excersise.

16) Do you still own vinyl?
No.

17) What is your hair color?
who knows? i have not seen my hair color in years. greyer than i would like, though...

18) Future child’s name?
huh?

19) Do you snore?
of course not! that would be very unsexy! don't believe anything the man tells you...

20) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
new york. london. paris. cape town.  

21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
no. only the man, a jack russel puppy under the blankets, and 1-3 cats on top of the blankets. there is no space for stuffed animals.

22) If you won the lottery? …
i would pay my debt. and the rest? they would have to wait. just kidding. travel. fix my house.

23) Gold or silver?
silver. and silver-colored. see #5.

24) Hamburger or hot dog?
chinese. pizza. fish and chips.

25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Ice Cream. I declare it to be a food. (sorry wenchy! i could not come up with a better answer)

26) City, beach or country?
country. i love the bush. i just have to be within an hour's drive of a woollies, though. and have a good internet signal.

27) What was the last thing you touched?

*jacki scratches her head, thinking*

28) Where did you eat last?
here. now. salad for lunch over the keyboard.

29) When’s the last time you cried?
i cry often. cannot be more than a few days ago.

30) Do you read blogs?
Yes. all the time.

31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
probably not.

32) Ever been involved with the police?
i have been living with an ex-cop for 6 years. does that count?

33) What’s your favorite shampoo, conditioner and soap?
whatever is on special at clicks. times are tough..

34) Do you talk in your sleep?
I don’t know. i am asleep, aren't i?

35) Ocean or pool?
neither. toilet.

36) What’s your favorite song at the moment?
the theme song from sponge bob square pants.

37) What is your favorite color(s)?
eyes - blue. money - blue. to wear - black.

39 Ever met anyone famous?
ramblerclive. oh, wait. i have never actually 'met' him. heidi swapp. stacy julian. tim holtz. karen forster. donna downey. oh shucks, now i have to find links to all their blogs...

40) Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?
no. not yet. 

41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
twirl.

42) Ricki Lake or Oprah?
jerry springer.

43)Basketball or Football?
neither.

44) How long do your showers last?
10-15 mins.

45) Automatic or do you drive a stick?
love automatic. then i can sms while i'm driving..

46) Cake or ice cream?
Ice cream cake.  (thanks again, wenchy. it seems we have something in common)

47) Are you self-conscious?
yes.

48) Have you ever drank so much you threw up?
no.

49) Have you ever given money to a tramp?
yes.

50) Have you been in love?
oh yes!

51) Where do you wish you were?
with my family.

52) Are you wearing socks?
yes. and slippers too. at work. what can i say - it's cold!

53) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
fortunately not.

54) Can you tango?
no.

55) Last gift you received?
a kiss.

56) Last sport you played?
scrapbooking.

57) Things you spend a lot of money on?
groceries.

58) Where do you live?
on a plot in benoni, south africa.

59) Where were you born?
windhoek, namibia.

60) Last wedding attended?
can't remember.

61) Favorite alcoholic drink?
red wine.

62) What’d you do last weekend?
went away with the entire extended family, to middelburg.

63) Most hated food(s)?
hate food? i didn't know it was possible.

64) What’s your least fav chore?
ironing.

65) Can you sing?
yes. not very well, though. but i do. all the time.

66) Last person you instant messaged?
hayley. on twitter.

67) Last place you went on holiday?
holiday? i'm self-employed, in the retail industry. no holidays. alas.

68) Favorite regular drink?
water. coffee.

69) Current crush?
my man!

and thus endeth todays intelligent blog post.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

without words...

here are some photos of what we are doing this weekend away in mpumalanga:

eduard:

marni:

 

tian:

eduard, sean and francois - 3 birthdays in one week:

 

love, jacki

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

becoming a teenager...

happy 13th birthday sean!

i don't know that much about when he was born, as i was not there. but i do know that he is a kind and gentle boy, and that my life is better for having known him for the last 6+ years.

on sunday he brought us breakfast in bed, and when i asked why, he told me that it was 'evil stepmother's day'.

thank you sean, for enriching my life. without you i would not be a stepmother, evil or otherwise. and my life would have been poorer for it.

you can read what i have blogged about him before here.

tonight we are going out to supper and a surprise. typical scrapbooker/blogger, i saw a photo-op earlier in the week. and tomorrow we are going away for the weekend. with my entire, extended family. who are all already there.

and i am taking tonight, friday, saturday and monday off. wow! i hope the economy survives.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

happy birthday!

today is francois' birthday.

23 years ago tonight, my son was born. he was such a cute baby, with LOTS of hair...

he was born at 22h30, weighed 4.01kg and was 53cm long. he was unplanned, but not unwelcome!

and this is what he looks like now:

he has become a beautiful young man.

i scrapped this quick and simple layout this week, with the photos taken of him at the photoshoot in may, by amelia.

i used treasures and colormates cardstock, pattern paper from paper explosion's wedding collection (south african), a little scrap of 7 gypsies paper, rub on alphas and ribbons from my stash, silver photocorners. and my 2 most trusty scrapbooking tools: my black pen and my stapler.

all along the border of the cardstock, i repeated morse code for i love you.

he is away with his grandparents, so i don't see him today.

happy birthday francois! i love you, and your father would have been proud of the man you have become.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPINTIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

ma en pa...

i scrapped this layout this week:

the photos are of my mom and dad. i took them in november 2008, and i posted them on my blog here. the photos of this layout do not do it justice.

i found it rather difficult to fill the space on this layout, as i had challenged myself to not use any flowers. since i found this very difficult i have now proven that i can do this, i am not challenging myself like that again...

the inspiration came from celine navarro, you can see her layout here. the page on the right is a 90 degree flip of the page on the left.

i used treasures and colormates, jenni bowlin's ledger paper, 7 gypsies 'elgin' paper, and 7 gypsies rubons, heidi swapp ghost hearts and her awesome distressing tool, and words and alphas from wilpro. also 2 stickers from karen forster's anniversary range.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

busy, busy, busy...

i was reading this post by the talented artist and gifted wordsmith kelly rae roberts, who's blog is so beautiful and thought-provoking and interesting to visit. she was writing about how she was feeling 'blah'.

in fact, she said this: the truth is is that the last couple of days have made this week feel very very long. i'm a tad on the grumpy side, and a whole lot of restless. i start painting, i stop painting. i start reading, i stop reading. i start writing, i stop. and on and on. like one big giant unsatisfying circle of blah. you know how it goes. sometimes, it is what it is. even when we have nothing to complain about. even when life is going very well. even when a bad mood is just simply a bad mood without any complications attached. i'm trying to let. it. go. 

and it got me thinking.

we, modern man and women, especially those of us living in cities, have this urge to be productive. all the time. every day. we used to only be able to work at work, and overtime was an exception in peak times. now we work long hours. and have computers at home, and we work and check emails and make phone calls after hours too, and over weekends. and on holiday. we even check in from our cellphones.

and we multi-task. we cook while checking our kids' homework, we make phone calls while we drive, and we type that report while watching tv. time spent waiting in the car at the school or at the doctor's rooms is spent reading reports. we go to bed late and get up early, to make the most of our day. we use our social time networking with clients and marketing ourselves.

'wasting time' is frowned upon. computer games, watching tv, facebook and scrapbooking are scoffed at, as they are empty pastimes. housewives and full-time mothers are seen as 'ladies of leisure' and they do not get much respect. even when we go on holiday, we have to be active, out and about all day, entertaining ourselves and the children. when we sleep late and read and watch dvd's we are called lazy. students are expected to take jobs in the holidays. we even medicate depression and grief and exhaustion and trauma, and tell each other to 'pull yourself together' or get therapy when it takes too long.

as scrapbookers, we call ourselves 'memory keepers' or 'story tellers' or 'family historians', so we can justify the time and expense we 'waste' on our hobby. what happened to just playing or creating or having fun or relaxing?

why? i spend long hours a day in my shop. today i'm on a 14 hour shift, and there is no lunch or teatime. yet when someone walks in and catches me playing solitaire or on facebook, they always have something to say. and i feel guilty!

GOD created the dark, so we could rest at night, but we invented light bulbs and electricity, so we could do more. GOD created sleep, so we could rest, but we invented alarm clocks, so we could do more. GOD created seasons, so there would be a growing time and a resting time, but we invented hot-houses and heaters and fertilisers, so we could do more. GOD created sore muscles and tiredness, so we could stop working and rest, but we invented painkillers and energy boosters and caffeine and mood-boosters so we could do more.

why do we sell this to each other, and why do we buy this ourselves?

when i was reading kelly rae's blogpost, my thought was that she is probably just a little tired. and needs some downtime.

growing seasons should be followed by resting seasons. work periods should be followed by rest periods. over-exertion should be followed by healing. that is how it was designed. even when i work a while on my computer, it needs a few minutes to process and save the information. and so should i!

so. i am going to spend some time being creative. i am going to spend some time watching the sun go down, while processing and saving my work of the day. i am going to spend some time lying on the couch, watching recorded episodes of desperate housewives. i am going to sleep in and chat to my family and waste time. and not feel guilty!

now, i am going to spend some time with a cup of coffee, and play solitaire. and then i'm going to work again - reading blogs and playing on facebook and twitter. and it is not wasting time. it is networking and marketing. that is my story, and i'm sticking to it...

...i am blogging. and scrapping. after a long absence of inspiration. which kind of proves my point, doesn't it?...

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

photoshoot - my family

here is harrison ford my dad, jan:

and another of him:

my mom and dad:

my mom, lottie:

francois and my mom have always been very close:

francois up close:

mother and son:

mother and daughter:

i wanted the man and sean to be in the photographs too, but it was just after the man's surgery, and he could not drive, so he could not get to the shop. we will have other photos taken soon.

i posted these and other photos to amelia's blog too. and i posted more photos taken on that day on her blog here.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

alice in wonderland

alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, "and what is the use of a book", thought alice, "without pictures or conversations?" so she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a white rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her.

and so the story begins, with alice following the rabbit, and falling down the rabbit hole, and emerging in a place called wonderland, where many silly and funny characters reside, and where they do all kinds of weird and wonderful and unexpected things...

often when i plug in my modem, and open my google reader, and start reading, following one link after the other, i too fall down the rabbit hole, and emerge in a place called wonderland, where many silly and funny characters reside, and where they do all kinds of weird and wonderful and unexpected things...

although i have been a very bad blogger lately, i have been reading blogs, and so i thought i would share with you some of the silly and funny characters that have been keeping me entertained in wonderland lately.

there has been a thought-provoking church debate going on at rambler, allie and mel's places. go. read. comment. (be nice). but most of all, think! all three are very interesting blogs anyway, local, and totally worth reading!

shadow project- photography with a humorous twist

fun cartoons with the internet in general and social networking in particular as a theme

speaking of social networking, you can find me on twitter and on facebook. you can also become a follower of this blog on facebook here.

i found some scrapbook inspiration from celine navarro, heidi swapp and donna downey this week, triggering ideas that translate into something else. sometimes a creative journey starts with just a spark..

although i have been a bad blogger, so you have not noticed it, i bought this e-book, and i am working through it slowly. i can definitely recommend it, if you are a blogger.

jessica sprague is hosting a free photo-editing class. you can get more info here. so, those of you who keep telling me you don't know where to start, go register! her classes are always good.

read this post by jodi, read it all the way through. there is a wonderful nugget of wisdom and insight in that story.

a comment i made on helen's blog, about ordering expensive scrapbooking kits from overseas versus buying at your local scrapbooking shop, sparked quite a few interesting responses. you can read the post here, and remember to check out the comments! thanks helen, for hosting the impromptu debate!

both helen and stefanie recently blogged about playing this game: you go to google, and type 'in what your name wants'. and you have a giggle at what is returned. here is 'what jacki wants':

little jackie wants to be the universe's biggest star

jackie-o wants to smash mos def

jackie wants a pre-nup

jackie-o wants to be your baby-mama

jackie wants to plan jason's wedding (the bachelor 13)

jackie wants you to want me

jackie-o wants to host the next big brother series

jackie wants 2 hot dogs on flickr

user jacki no longer wants to receive mail

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

marni

i scrapped!

after an extended absence, i have found my scrapbooking mojo.

it is too soon to tell if it was temporary, or if it is back to stay..

as you see, i used a transparent butterfly, and some gauzy flowers. and stitching. as always there is stitching. the pattern paper is basic grey, and the cardstock is treasures and colormates.

the photos are of marni, you can see one of them here.

i thought i had forgotten how to scrap.

now, if only my blogging mojo could come back...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapboook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

the lights are on, but nobody is home...

before life interrupts again, i thought i would get a blogpost up early today.

*jacki spends a few minutes staring at the blinking cursor and the blank space before her, sighs, and leaves to go to facebook*

i cannot think of anything interesting to say today. so, rather than fill this space with nonsense, i will just leave without saying anything...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

gingerbread man

run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, i'm the gingerbread man...

is your life like mine? running, running, as fast as i can, trying to catch an elusive gingerbread man..

Now chase him old woman, now chase him old man
Chase him, yes chase him as fast as you can!
Through the garden and out the gate,
Catch him right now, before it's too late. 
The gingerbread man, he's out of the pan! ...

....Run, run, as fast as you can
You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man 
I'm the gingerbread man and I'm out of the pan! 

you can see the whole poem here.

this past week has been very busy, too much so. i haven't had much time for anything, let alone blog.

running, running after an uncatchable gingerbread man, something that doesn't even have lasting value...

anyway, rozanne recently blogged about how she uses google calendar to organise her life. so, i gave it a try, and i'm am very impressed. i am not going to write about the details, she explains it all very well. all i can say is that it is very user friendly.

on it i created a shop calendar, and i made it public. so my clients can see it here. it will be featured on my blog permanently, and updated constantly. planning a little ahead may make me feel a little more in control.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

ps: i got the idea of the gingerbread man from kayla lamoreaux. something she said here got me thinking about it.

on buying a car, and letting go...

last saturday afternoon, exactly a week ago, when i closed the shop, i had a thought that i had not looked at buying a nissan for either myself or francois, or for both of us. we both need a car. i had looked at almost everything else, but not nissan. so i drove to the dealer, hoping to still catch them open. they were not.

so on monday francois and i went there, and we test drove some cars. we decided against the tiida for francois, because it was too expensive and a little too big.

on tuesday evening a different dealer stopped at my shop, and brought red tiida to show me. it is almost new, and in a good condition, with low mileage, for a good price. it was either a good deal, or too good to be true. so on wednesday i arranged for the car to go to the AA for a full test, which it passed with flying colours.

on thursday the man and francois, and my dad, saw the car. and they approved.

on friday the car was serviced, cleaned, fitted with a new windscreen, and insured. francois got the car late on friday.

phew! what a week! last saturday we were no closer to buying a car, and now it is all over, bar some administrative things.

the process this week went by in a whirlwind. i found it quite stressful, and the whole week i had a lump in the pit of my stomach. this morning, during a quiet minute, i reflected a little, gathered my thoughts...

...and there, deep inside, under the tension, and the relief of having it all done, fluttered a teeny butterfly. wondering what it was, i discovered, to my surprise, a little pride.

a pride in doing it myself.

look, i had a lot of help, input, and many, many opinions, from the man, francois, family and friends. but mainly, it was a project driven by me. arranged by me. organised by me. and looking back, i am quite proud that i pulled it off.

i also spent a few minutes wondering why buying a car seemed so difficult and stressful to me, when it seems to be so easy to others. and i realised that it is because most people finance their cars, and get used to a Rx per month car payment. when they buy a new car, they re-finance, and just continue with the monthly car payment. so same cost, new car.

for me, it is a new cost, and it is a lot of money for something that rapidly loses it's value. i have also had bad experiences with my jeep, that is a huge expense to maintain. i am a little scarred, and traumatised.

and also, there is an emotional reason. our current cars are our last big, visible, tangible link to ronnie. he chose and bought the 'old' cars. selling them, and driving different cars, will remove yet another daily reminder of him.

letting go turned out to be a little more emotional than i expected.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

boy, meet car...

here is francois' old car:

he was due for an upgrade.

and here is the first glimpse of francois' new car:

it is not completely new, just new for him:

 

it is a nissan tiida.

he is ready to drive it for the first time...

so shiny and clean...

oh, is this where the engine goes?

may you have many years of problem free motoring!

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPINTIMES scrapbook shop. benoni, gauteng, south africa

a challenge...

 how many did you find? tell me in the comments. so far i'm on 17 20 24, but i'm still working on it.

if, like me, you cannot resist a puzzle, you can download and print it from here.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

dear customer...

please allow me a few minutes to talk to you.

even if you are not a customer of my shop, you are still a customer somewhere, so this is for you too..

i know that you come to my shop, and you see the same stock all the time. i know that there are empty gaps on the shelves that take a long time to be filled. i know that there are items that you want, that i have not stocked in months.

i know that. in fact, i am painfully aware of it.

i also know that you are getting frustrated, and bored, and are popping in less often, and shopping elsewhere. i know that you are complaining to your friends. i know that you are not coming back.

but please understand.

i know that you have much less money to spend in my shop. i know that you are leaving your credit card at home, and that your income is not going very far anymore. i know that your bond and groceries and school fees have to be paid before you can spend money here. i know that you are scrapbooking less, and using your stash, and simplifying your layouts because you have to stick to a smaller budget.

i know that. in fact, i'm painfully aware of it.

but, please understand. the same applies to me.

if you spend less, i make less. if you don't pop in, my sales drop. if you stay away, my income is less.

i am not saying that it is your responsibility to spend money in my shop. i'm not implying that it is your fault. i'm not thinking that it is your job to help me out. not at all!

all i'm asking is for is your understanding. and some patience.

please remember that my rent and telephone bill and bank fees also have to be paid before i can buy stock. you have to know that i am working harder and longer, and stressing more, because i too have to stick to a smaller budget.

so, please understand.

i have to admit that if i could just close my doors today, and walk away, i would. because spending time with my family, and having a little time for myself, and being home, would be so much less stressful at this time. but i have a long time left on my lease, and a landlord who does not compromise.

so, please understand.

i am still here. and, unless things get even worse, i will still be here for a while. besides, what else would i do? and when things get better, and they will, i will be ready, and open, and trading, and buying stock, when so many other businesses went away.

so, dear customer, let's make a deal: i will understand your posistion, and you will understand mine. i will respect your need to save money, and you will know that that filling my shelves is a challenge.

i will empathise with you, and you will be patient with me. we will support each other, and help each other, and be honest with each other.

and we will drink no-name brand tea and eat cheaper biscuits, and create layouts that cost less. we will use our stash, and finish projects before we start new ones, and use more creativity and fewer products, and we will not complain and be negative.

well, maybe a little. sometimes. for a little while...

thanks

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

this is good..

they played this this morning on 94.7's rude awakening radio show this morning. it was so good that i just had to hear it again, so i googled it.

and how about that guy with the cigarette inside the plane? are there still airlines that allow smoking, or is it a very old video?

if the video does not work, follow this link.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

thankful thursdays: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

i have had this sitting in my email inbox for months, and today - on ascension day, i decided to put it here, for me to be reminded of it from time to time.

today i am thankful that HE conquered everlasting death, so i may have life.

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?' He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

isn't it awesome how much detail there is in a short little sentence that we normally read over?...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbooking shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

news on the pain...

just a quick update on the man's shoulder:

he is in a lot of pain. much more than last time. i'm not sure why. maybe it was a bigger procedure than last time? maybe because it was the second surgery in 2 weeks? the pain blocker that they inject also only lasted a few hours this time, instead of the 2.5 days of last time. and it is quite a bit colder than 2 weeks ago.

last night he really felt overwhelmed. for the first time. he was difficult and grumpy and whiny. he just could not get comfortable, and the pain killers did not help.

thanks for all your good wishes and support, both here and on facebook. i know things will be a little better every day.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

on mojo and a shoulder, and other things we are missing...

• my blogging mojo seems to have gone the way of my scrapbooking mojo. both gone.


• if you see either of them, capture them and return them, please? there will be a reward...


• and they will be punished. for going AWOL.


• the man went in for another operation on his shoulder today. to fix whatever came loose after the previous reconstruction. a re-reconstruction. he, quite literally, had a screw loose! let's hope there will be more success this time.


• and he has to stay overnight in the hospital. and i miss him while he is there!


• he has become rather handy with one arm, and is doing almost everything himself, with one hand, and his teeth.


• he has not driven in more than 2 weeks, and he is either home-bound, or i have to drive him where he wants to be. thankfully his mom is helping out with picking sean up from school and taking him home. that would have been our biggest crisis, otherwise.


• on mondays i have the day 'off'. that means running around like a crazy person, trying to get the entire week's errands/shopping/chores done. these last 2 mondays i had the man along, and we ran his errands too. yesterday we went to pick 'n pay (a supermarket/grocery store) for a few things. sean was with us by that time. and we spent ages there. browsing. can you believe it. browsing in a supermarket.


• normally grocery shopping is a chore, something i don't particularly enjoy. but as we were walking out, i thought about how fun that was, and how nice a day it had been. running errands. grocery shopping. together.


• when we came home, we made supper together. the man made chips (with one arm), i made steak, and sean made eggs. there were no vegetables in sight...


• and i realised again that the simple things can be so joyful, if you do them together. with the ones you love.


• on another note. i still have no new car. but today a salesman came to show me, and let me test-drive, the new kia soul. very new. it has not even been launched in south africa yet. 


• it is different. unusual. certainly not pretty. but the price is right. oh, the confusion...


• and my new laptop is out of order. i cannot believe it, i have had it for less than 2 months! it has also been in hospital for more than a week now. so tonight there is no man, and no computer. i'll just have to spend the evening with michael schofield and his friends..

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

us...

sometimes i have so much to blog about, and sometimes i can think of nothing to say. this seems to be one of those quiet weeks.

the man went for a shoulder operation tuesday before last. over the weekend he started to complain of more pain. on wednesday he managed to squeeze himself in for a early appointment to the doctor, and something inside the shoulder has come loose. so on tuesday he is getting operated on again. and the healing process is pushed back by 2 weeks...

the biggest problem with the shoulder is that the man cannot drive. so i have to take sean to school, and take the man everywhere.

this has added some strain to my days..

here is another photo from the photoshoot, of francois and myself.

*edited to add: are you a coldplay fan? you can download their album leftrightleftrightleft FOR FREE here. i did, and i'm listening right now...*

 jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

mom and dad

i just wanted to post this photo of my mom and dad, taken by amelia at saturday's photoshoot.

why?

'cause it makes me smile...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

photoshoot saturday...

they came to the shop on saturday. each in their appointed time. all groomed and painted and gorgeous. some alone, and some with reluctant family members.

they all spent their few minutes in front of amelia and rika's cameras. they smiled and posed, and their images were captured on many camera cards, to be saved on disks. this day, this look, this time frozen for ever...

ineke

cathy and aaron

you can see what cathy said about the photoshoot here.

prieur

dirk

christina

cheryl

rene

laetitia and wilhelm

of course, these people were there too:

these are just a fraction of the many gigs' worth of photos taken on the day. dontcha think i have beautiful clients?

thanks amelia, we had lots of fun!

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

8 things...

i have been tagged to do this at least 3 times, so best i do it, or be kicked out of blogland forever...

8 Things that I am Looking forward to:

1.  making soups and stews in winter
2. time!
3. improving our home and especially the kitchen
4. having a man who isn't a doesn't have pain
5. having a dependable car that i can enjoy
6. the economy improving, and while i'm asking, world peace
7. a quiet weekend
8. a social life. wait, those last 2 contradict each other, don't they? i' a complicated girl...

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. got up early to drive sean to school in the dark and rain
2. made mother's day cards
3. blogged
4. twittered, and twittered some more. i'm productive that way!
   
5. paid some bills
6. watched desperate housewives and fringe on tv
7. caught up with emails and blogs
   
8. fussed over the man with his sore shoulder

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. travel
2. have more time to do things i like
3. get my scrapbooking mojo back
4. design wesbsites (or blogs) for an income
5. write for an income
6. earn an income
7. buy an expensive awesome camera and take better photos

8 Shows I Watch:

1. desperate housewives
2. grey's anatomy
3. big bang theory
4. the mentalist
5. facebook - let's be honest, it is the world's biggest soap opera
6. CSI - love all of them!
7. brothers and sisters
8. 2 and a half men

8 People I'm Tagging:

1. you
2. you
3. you
4. you
5. you
6. you
7. you get it...
8. you


for the life of me i cannot get the papragraphs to align properly. so let's just pretend that it was intended to be this way, ok?

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

making cards, and a facelift for typepad...

i have been making these mother's day cards, to sell in the shop.

i am on typepad's beta team, which means that we get to test all new typepad products before they get rolled out to the other users. and i can tell you that there is a major facelift on the way.

as with all changes, it takes some getting used to. since it is quite a dramatic change, it takes a while to find your way around. and, as with all changes, there will be complaints.

but, after the initial confusion, i must say that is looks good. i think the improvements make all the changes worth the initial inconvenience. i'm working in the 'new' version now, and it works well.

i need to blog about tim holtz and the convention, but i have had so many things going on at the same time.

my man had a shoulder operation on tuesday. he is doing well, but in some pain. and the worst is that he cannot drive! that makes life very difficult. but before we know it, it will be over...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

i heart technology!

i have been a bad blogger this week, there has just been so much going on.

my man had an operation on his shoulder yesterday, after it dislocated 6 times in about 8 months. 5 trips to the emergency room, and 3 times it had to be put back in it's socket in theatre under anesthetic. eventually the doctor agreed that it could not go on this way, so he did the surgery yesterday. and unexpectedly, the man had to stay in the hospital overnight.

i don't have time for a proper blog post, as he has let me know i can pick him up now.

i am sitting in my local mugg and bean, a coffee shop, having breakfast and coffee, and surfing the www on my laptop using my free wi-fi minutes. the internet is super fast, so i will keep it in mind for the end of the month, when i get capped. i am a mweb client, so i get 300 free wi-fi minutes per month.

i just love technology. and i'm sure these other people in the coffee shop think i'm this very powerful and important business woman. it's great!

by the way, while i typed this i noticed that certain words in my post are being underlined in red, and if i right-click on them, the spell checker suggests alternative spelling. thanks typepad, for making the spell-checker so much easier to use! just one thing, though. maybe you should include the word 'typepad' in your dictionary...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

buying a car...

as most of you know by now, i'm trying to buy a car. for myself, and for francois. i was finding this a difficult choice, until i saw this video. now, i'm convinced, i am buying a hyundai!

Hyundai Assurance Commercial - watch more funny videos




jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

today...

i thought i would do a link-post. because i know you hate surfing the web. or love it, and don't need any motivation to follow all these links.

i love following links. i love it when i really surf the web, wandering aimlessly, following links like little signposts, losing hours of my life and emerging a little disorientated and blinking against the light, to find the house in chaos and the family hungry. like alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole, and finding wonderland, with lots of crazy and interesting people.

maybe it's just me.

sometimes through a link or 2, you find these beautiful, inspiring and sometimes sad stories on the web. this one is worth a visit, and makes me appreciate my life.

i have linked to this before, but because mother's day is coming up, i will bring it up again. if you are in need of inspiration for the making of a card for your mum, watch this. and if you are a man, watch it too. and if you own a man, then it is for you. even if you just know a man, you should watch it. it's funny!

if you are a digital scrapper, or just collect digital scrapbooking goodies, like me, here is a gorgeous freebie. thanks summer!

i found this website, that gives you all sorts of design freebies. there are some gems.

i started wilna and kayla's 'bling out your blog' course yesterday. you can still join me, if you wish. it is for bloggers on typepad and on blogger. you will learn all about templates and gadgets and widgets and photo albums. i'm practicing on amelia's blog, and my just jacki blog, and of course on the one you are on now.

if you are interested in starting a typepad blog, email me, or leave a comment, and i will give you a 10% discount code. yeah!

my grandmother, Pauline Sophia Straatman, would have been 100 years old on 20 april 2009. to commemorate, my aunt wrote a piece about her. i saved it here.

 

sean had civvies day at school today. they could dress in anything, as long as it reflected the theme "wacky wednesday". he is wearing different shoes and socks, over his sweater he is wearing a scarf and his school tie, and half his hair is flat and the other half spiky.

of course, if he wanted to be really wacky, he could have combed his hair and worn matching clothes, but he chose not to be that different... :-)

i look at that child every day, but only when i opened those photos on my computer this morning, did i realise how tall he is getting.

it took me 3 days just to get this post out. so many distractions. whew!

now i can start working on the next one..

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

voting day...

• today is voting day in south africa. it is also a public holiday, but i am working, there is no rest for the retailers.


• i will vote on my way home later, because the queues were too long this morning.


• i am really enjoying all the status updates on facebook today, as one after the other of my friends are reporting that they have voted. there really seems to be quite a festive feel around today.


• it being a day off, but because i am working, i decided that today would be the day that i figured out how to use twitter. i have had an account for months, but i never got it before. now i see the light. i think.


• tell me in the comments if you twitter. and who you follow.


• do you have a blog? wilna and kayla are presenting a class called bling out your blog. it is for people who have a blogger, typepad or wordpress blog. or if you have no blog, and want to start one, they will help you too.


• it is like an extreme makeover for your blog. whiten, brighten, nip and tuck.


• would you like to start a blog? are you considering typepad? (you should. i love them. and although they cost a little, they also offer a lot).


• if you leave a comment, and tell me you want a blog, i will give you a 10% discount code. so you save on the annual fee.


• then, once you have the blog up and running, you can follow wilna's course.


• on saturday 9 may there will be a photoshoot at my shop. you do not have to be a scrapbooker to have your photos taken. you have to book a 15 minute slot, and cost is R100 for those 15 minutes.


• the photographer is amelia, who's photos you can see if you scroll down a little on this blog. she also has a new blog here

look who arrived at our house last week. this mama had twins. awww sweet! just in time for christmas lunch...

...just kidding!

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

yet another thought-provoking post...

i have been feeling rather intimidated lately by all these bloggers who manage to have a busy career and a model family and a life, and still manage to write an inspiring, entertaining and well written blog post every day. with perfectly edited photos.

so, i am writing a blog post today, whether i have something to say or not. just so you think i have it all together too.

...um...

...ah...

*scratch head and sigh*

no. nothing.

sorry.

oh yes. the man is home safe and sound from his long road trip from cape town to johannesburg. and i did not worry once! after this long and somewhat embarrassing post, i am doing great! shows you, a problem shared is a problem halved.

and i am SO SICK of pondering the same, age-old, never-ending question: what am i going to make for supper?

are you also so very gatvol (sick and tired) of this daily dilemma?

ok. i'm done.

i will be back tomorrow with yet another super-intelligent post. i know you are beside yourself with anticipation.

and if you came here because you followed a link from my facebook profile to what you were told was another thought-provoking post: you are a victim of misleading advertising. sorry for wasting your time.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

boys will be boys..

i have become quite a walking car encyclopedia.

i have learned a lot about cars in the past few weeks. i can hold a conversation, comparing cars and their specs, and their price versus value for money. i was chatting to a car dealer today, holding my own completely, and i even heard the words 'power versus weight ratio' coming out of my mouth! i was channeling that guy from top gear!...

...i think. i have never watched top gear.

seriously, i'm most guys fantasy. i can compare a tuscon with a sportage, and compare the prices of automatic versus manual. i know which are korean, and which are japanese, and which are american, and which are german. i know that which car is under warranty for how long, and i know which has the longest maintenance plan. i can debate about whether buying new is better than buying secondhand. i even know about fuel efficiency and carbon emissions and ENCAP safety ratings!

ugh! i hate that!

i know many guys who, the moment they drive their new car off the lot, start looking at what they would like to buy next. but i am one of those people who would drive a car for ever. i have no real desire to buy a new car. i find the whole thing quite stressful.

but i must. i have been spending more on my and francois' cars per year to fix them, than some people pay in installments.

so, i'm looking for a car. and talking to everyone about it.

the thing is that everyone has an opinion. a strong opinion. and everyone knows someone who is the best guy to buy a car from. and heaven forbid i do not follow his advice! i can see that there are many 'i told you so' s in my future...

 

as sean and i were leaving the shop today, we found this in the parking lot. of course, no 12.5 year old's life is complete if he has no photos of this amazing experience, to show his friends.

as he was posing (with my car keys in his hand, not the ferrari's) for photos next to the car, the owner came out. and he made sean's day week year.

 

he insisted that sean get in, in the driver's seat. sean, who is normally quite shy, was squealing in delight...

 

then the guy made him scoot over, and gave him a lift to the exit of the parking lot.

 

sean got out with shaky legs. and when we got in my dirty, old, uncool car, he said, in a tiny voice...

...'i think i'm going to pass out'...

by the way: it is a ferrari 612 Scaglietti.

it shares its naturally aspirated 5.7 L (5748 cc) V12 engine with the 575M Maranello. The Tipo F133E engine produces 397 kW (533 hp) at 7250 rpm and 588 N·m (433 ft·lbf) at 5250 rpm with a compression ratio of 11.2:1. The car is capable of 315 km/h (195 mph) and has a 100 km/h time of 4.3 seconds. It comes with two six speed transmission options: a conventional manual or the F1A semi-automatic paddle shift system, a much refined version of the F1 system in the 360.

just kidding. that info came from here and here. i have no idea what that means.

i think sean may just be excited to go to school tomorrow, for a change!

love, jacki

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

bulletpoints...

• this a feel good story, if ever there was one. rambler, i dare you to watch this without shedding a tear...


• i couldn't watch it without shedding a tear.


• i'm doing fine. very well in fact. the concerns i blogged about are gone! thanks for letting me plaster all my issues all over your computer screen. it helped.


• both francois' and my cars are giving lots of problems. so we are shopping for cars. i test-drove the getz for him and the tuscon for me today.


• i am ** years old, and i have never has a say in what i drive. this time i making the choice myself. and i find myself wishing someone else would make the choice for me. the pressure!


• if you are a font-a-holic, like me, you can find some free fonts here.


• you can get a free digital scrapbooking kit here. thanks kayla!


• my 9-year old nephew tian was bitten by a snake over the weekend. a brown one. he is fine, so apparently it is not a poisonous one. it seems the snake was not too happy with being caught...


• i have run out of night cream. i am aging visibly as the collagen biosphere levels in my dermis layer are dropping fast!


• i just heard that my uncle has 3 pregnant daughters! he has 4 grandkids now, but by the end of the year he will have 7!


• my 93 year old gran wants a cellphone. she wants to send smsses. wait until i tell her she can facebook from her phone. maybe she will want to twitter too.

look who i shared a shower with over the weekend!

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

it is that time of year...

i often say this blog is form of therapy. a place for processing my thoughts and emotions. well today's post is one of those. so please excuse me as i have a little emotional meltdown.

this week is ronnie week. it is that week that starts on the 14th april with what would have been ronnie's 46th birthday, had he not died. the week ends on the 19th april, the day of his death 7 years ago.

this is a difficult time for me every year. you would think it would get easier as time goes by, and it does too, but as always the days leading up to this week are intense.

now, to make matters worse this week, i also have to face my biggest fear. i have blogged about it before. we all go through life with that wonderful gift of denial, that conviction that 'it can't happen to me'. well it did. and when it did, i lost that conviction. it did happen to me. and now, i can never shake that fear that it can happen to me again. and i know how blindingly devastating and suffocatingly dark "it' can be.

in fact, i am not even going to go there...

this week the man is on the road again. on thursday he is flying down to cape town, and driving back up. he is bringing up a very ill family member to johannesburg. and you know that his being on the road for such a long period is very, very difficult for me, as you can read here.

so, i have to deal with both issues in one week. the re-living of the death of my husband ronnie, and my fear of something happening to my man. a double whammy. or maybe a big, final test? i hope so..

anyway, there is a reason why i'm telling you this. i have found in the past that putting it out here, on my blog, works for me. i need to yank it out of the dark, moist, fertile folds of my heart, where it can grow and fester and multiply, and expose it to the cold light of day, where it will wither and die. i need to expose it, i need to think and write and read and edit and process it out, so it has no more hold over me. somehow saying it out loud, putting it out here, and telling you about it, exposes the fear for the parasite it is, and helps me to conquer it.

and now that it is written here, i am going to pray over it. and ask you to pray for me too. and then i am going to lay it at the foot of HIS cross. and turn around, and walk away, and leave it there. and whenever those dark thoughts try to tell me how big the fear is, i can tell the fear how big my GOD is.

because i trust that GOD has a plan for my life, and even if that plan includes the worst, as it has in the past, HE will never let me walk that path alone, HE will carry me, as HE has always done.

as i write this, i feel the tears build up in me. but they are not the tears of sadness and defeat, they are the tears of relief, and the tears of cleansing.

it is not a coincidence that this week was preceded by easter. i was reminded this past weekend that for those of us who believe and call HIS name, HE has already overcome the darkness and everlasting death, so i may have everlasting life in HIM. the message of easter is that of overcoming. and i will carry that message forward in me this week.

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i started to write this post on sunday, and then left it in it's raw, emotional form. then i edited and worked on it today. and can tell you that i already feel better. the moment i wrote this down on sunday, it was out of me, and i felt victorious. the demons were exorcised.

in closing i want to say this: i did not write this because i need sympathy. also, remember that although this is on my mind, it is not the only thing going on in my life. i am fine. i am happy. i have dealt with this issue, and i am dealing with this issue. there is no reason to be worried or concerned about me. at all. i promise!

i often say this blog is form of therapy. a place for processing thoughts and emotions. well today's post is one of those. so thanks for excusing me as i had a little emotional meltdown...

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa