{scraps of jacki's life}

on buying a car, and letting go...

last saturday afternoon, exactly a week ago, when i closed the shop, i had a thought that i had not looked at buying a nissan for either myself or francois, or for both of us. we both need a car. i had looked at almost everything else, but not nissan. so i drove to the dealer, hoping to still catch them open. they were not.

so on monday francois and i went there, and we test drove some cars. we decided against the tiida for francois, because it was too expensive and a little too big.

on tuesday evening a different dealer stopped at my shop, and brought red tiida to show me. it is almost new, and in a good condition, with low mileage, for a good price. it was either a good deal, or too good to be true. so on wednesday i arranged for the car to go to the AA for a full test, which it passed with flying colours.

on thursday the man and francois, and my dad, saw the car. and they approved.

on friday the car was serviced, cleaned, fitted with a new windscreen, and insured. francois got the car late on friday.

phew! what a week! last saturday we were no closer to buying a car, and now it is all over, bar some administrative things.

the process this week went by in a whirlwind. i found it quite stressful, and the whole week i had a lump in the pit of my stomach. this morning, during a quiet minute, i reflected a little, gathered my thoughts...

...and there, deep inside, under the tension, and the relief of having it all done, fluttered a teeny butterfly. wondering what it was, i discovered, to my surprise, a little pride.

a pride in doing it myself.

look, i had a lot of help, input, and many, many opinions, from the man, francois, family and friends. but mainly, it was a project driven by me. arranged by me. organised by me. and looking back, i am quite proud that i pulled it off.

i also spent a few minutes wondering why buying a car seemed so difficult and stressful to me, when it seems to be so easy to others. and i realised that it is because most people finance their cars, and get used to a Rx per month car payment. when they buy a new car, they re-finance, and just continue with the monthly car payment. so same cost, new car.

for me, it is a new cost, and it is a lot of money for something that rapidly loses it's value. i have also had bad experiences with my jeep, that is a huge expense to maintain. i am a little scarred, and traumatised.

and also, there is an emotional reason. our current cars are our last big, visible, tangible link to ronnie. he chose and bought the 'old' cars. selling them, and driving different cars, will remove yet another daily reminder of him.

letting go turned out to be a little more emotional than i expected.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

it is that time of year...

i often say this blog is form of therapy. a place for processing my thoughts and emotions. well today's post is one of those. so please excuse me as i have a little emotional meltdown.

this week is ronnie week. it is that week that starts on the 14th april with what would have been ronnie's 46th birthday, had he not died. the week ends on the 19th april, the day of his death 7 years ago.

this is a difficult time for me every year. you would think it would get easier as time goes by, and it does too, but as always the days leading up to this week are intense.

now, to make matters worse this week, i also have to face my biggest fear. i have blogged about it before. we all go through life with that wonderful gift of denial, that conviction that 'it can't happen to me'. well it did. and when it did, i lost that conviction. it did happen to me. and now, i can never shake that fear that it can happen to me again. and i know how blindingly devastating and suffocatingly dark "it' can be.

in fact, i am not even going to go there...

this week the man is on the road again. on thursday he is flying down to cape town, and driving back up. he is bringing up a very ill family member to johannesburg. and you know that his being on the road for such a long period is very, very difficult for me, as you can read here.

so, i have to deal with both issues in one week. the re-living of the death of my husband ronnie, and my fear of something happening to my man. a double whammy. or maybe a big, final test? i hope so..

anyway, there is a reason why i'm telling you this. i have found in the past that putting it out here, on my blog, works for me. i need to yank it out of the dark, moist, fertile folds of my heart, where it can grow and fester and multiply, and expose it to the cold light of day, where it will wither and die. i need to expose it, i need to think and write and read and edit and process it out, so it has no more hold over me. somehow saying it out loud, putting it out here, and telling you about it, exposes the fear for the parasite it is, and helps me to conquer it.

and now that it is written here, i am going to pray over it. and ask you to pray for me too. and then i am going to lay it at the foot of HIS cross. and turn around, and walk away, and leave it there. and whenever those dark thoughts try to tell me how big the fear is, i can tell the fear how big my GOD is.

because i trust that GOD has a plan for my life, and even if that plan includes the worst, as it has in the past, HE will never let me walk that path alone, HE will carry me, as HE has always done.

as i write this, i feel the tears build up in me. but they are not the tears of sadness and defeat, they are the tears of relief, and the tears of cleansing.

it is not a coincidence that this week was preceded by easter. i was reminded this past weekend that for those of us who believe and call HIS name, HE has already overcome the darkness and everlasting death, so i may have everlasting life in HIM. the message of easter is that of overcoming. and i will carry that message forward in me this week.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

i started to write this post on sunday, and then left it in it's raw, emotional form. then i edited and worked on it today. and can tell you that i already feel better. the moment i wrote this down on sunday, it was out of me, and i felt victorious. the demons were exorcised.

in closing i want to say this: i did not write this because i need sympathy. also, remember that although this is on my mind, it is not the only thing going on in my life. i am fine. i am happy. i have dealt with this issue, and i am dealing with this issue. there is no reason to be worried or concerned about me. at all. i promise!

i often say this blog is form of therapy. a place for processing thoughts and emotions. well today's post is one of those. so thanks for excusing me as i had a little emotional meltdown...

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

i don't know how it happened...

but it did.

somehow, time flew by. and before i knew it, it is thursday. again. and it has been almost a week since my last blogpost.

how did that happen? does time fly by in your life too?

anyway, in south africa we are at the start of long-weekend season. this was a 4 day week, so will next week, because of the easter weekend. the week after we have our national elections, so there is a holiday. on a wednesday. the week after that has 3 days, as monday 27 april is 'freedom day' and friday 1 may is 'workersday'.

unfortunately, as i am a retailer, i should be open on public holidays. they are prime shopping days! and as nobody wants to work on a holiday, it is i, business owner and sucker, who is working on those days.

so, if you are on the area, and you are off on those days, please come and spend lots of money in my shop. so it is worth my while? thanks.

also coming up is that fun time of the year for me, that time i call 'ronnie-week'. i can already feel the dread building up in me. 14 april is his birthday, and 19 april is the day he died. 7 years ago. you would think it would get easier...

on the 25th march i wrote a blogpost, and said i would draw a winner from the comments. and the winner is sophia! sophs, drop me an email, and tell me if you want a photo-edit, or a blinkie.

and remember that tim holtz is coming to visit south africa. the johannesburg convention on 1 may is sold out, but there is still space available in cape town on 25 april, and durban on 3 may. you can get more info here. and for a glimpse of what makes this guy so great, you can look here and here.

i want to wish you all a happy easter. and do remember that it is all about Christ's great gift to us. and hot cross buns and lindt easter bunnies....

and here is another photo taken by amelia at the photoshoot last week.

these are my friends. we have shared each other's lives for almost 20 years! this older photo of us was taken many years ago.

2 of the girls in the older pic have moved away. and one new one has since joined our group. and no less than 5 of the 9 girls in the older photo have lost their husbands since that photo was taken. we could almost call ourselves the 'black widows' club..

you can see what i wrote about these girls here and here. and you can see the individual photos taken on that day here and here.

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

my first layout...

a while ago, desire showed her first layouts on her blog. i thought i would blog about that too.

my sister-in-law, cornelia, started scrapping some years ago, and she kept nagging me to start too. so, on 12 april 2005, i joined her for a class taught by valinda, and did this:

all the photos are of ronnie. i refused to use patterned paper, as i thought it would be too busy. she helped me choose bazzill paper, and i thought it was weird that they would call blue paper 'basil', as i thought basil was green.

it was no coincidence that i started scrapbooking on 12 april, as it was the beginning of what i call 'ronnie week'. his birthday is 14 april, and he died 19 april, and that week is always very emotional for me. i thought it would be a good way to celebrate the memories of him.

i finished that layout of him that day, and i was totally hooked! so much so that i went to another shop the next morning, to attend another class, where i did this:

this layout shows photos of my son, francois, and was done on 13 april 2005.

the next one was this:

it also shows photos of ronnie, and was scrapped on 15 april...

initially, i dated my layouts, but then it became apparent that i wasn't doing much else, so i stopped that. (i didn't stop scrapping day and night, i just stopped dating the layout - less evidence...)

to all the scrapbookers reading this: i challenge you to also blog your first layouts, and to put a link to your post in the comments, so i can see it!

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

your father would have been proud, part 2...

i attended francois' graduation ceremony yesterday. he got

baccalaureus commercii cum honoribus (trade and development).

got it? me neither...

actually, it is B.Com (hons) Economics. which is kinda ironic, since he has a BA degree, that he got last year. this year he is studying his honors in international politics. and everybody asks the same question - the answer is no. politicians don't study politics. analysts, journalists and consultants do. politics is his true passion, the economics was just a little detour for background.

as always at occasions as this, ronnie is missed. he would have been so proud of his son.

your father would have been proud, part 1 here.

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

a little shock...

i will write more about this later today, but if you came in here to see the article about ronnie's aeroplane accident that appeared in today's beeld newspaper, you can read it here. if you want, you can find a printable version of the article here. it is in afrikaans, sorry!

it always surprises me how much it rattles me, even after all this time. the article contains nothing new. and nothing can bring ronnie and his 2 friends back!

people often email me to ask what happened. i should write a proper post about it some time. when i have the emotional strength to relive that day. soon. you can read bits about my journey in these posts.

you can see some of the original press reports of the accident here. and here and here in afrikaans.

of course, i had my best post ever all written out in my head for today. now i'm not sure i will be able to focus long enough to write it. darn! :-)

love, jacki

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

flashbacks...

the day was coming to an end....

almost everybody was gone, and the people who were left, were cleaning up, and washing the dishes. for the first time in that dreadful week, i was left alone, and i sat down with a sigh. it was the end of a long and emotionally draining day, and i relished a few minutes of quiet.

she came up to me. quietly. shyly. she was about 5 years old. very unsure of the correct protocol, yet aware that some polite thanks were socially expected, she stood before me. in a tiny voice, she said: um... aunty jacki, um... ah, um... thank you that your husband died...

her mother had taught her that it was polite to thank the hostess for the occasion, and to her, a funeral was just another occasion.

henk's death last week, and his funeral on saturday, brought back that, and many other memories.

what you know to expect after a death of a loved one, are the tears, the sadness, the condolences, the flowers, the support. but what i found, and did not expect, was so much laughter too! yet it makes sense. many people gather together to celebrate his life, and to say goodbye. and everyone has their own story, their own fond memory. and the need to share.

also unexpected, was the stress level. at least in my case. as ronnie's death was so sudden and unexpected and dramatic, we were all in shock. and the adrenalin levels were very high. as a result came hightened senses. and i heard everybody and remembered everything. so many little details. what was said, what happened, and what everything smelled of. that day, and lots of days afterward, i experienced in high definition, and the details are burned in my memory forever. and strangely enough, although it was a very sad time, as with henk's funeral, it was also happy and funny and special. a celebration of his life.

within hours of ronnie's accident, people started offering (almost insisting) calming tablets. and i refused. i was fine (under the circumstances). and i wanted to be present. i wanted to feel. and i have not regretted it, as it means that i have all these bittersweet memories, that sometimes come out and remind me of that time. (i did take sleeping tablets every night for almost a year after, and i had therapy once a week for a year, together with anti-depressants. i have nothing against drugs. i just didn't want to be fogged)

although the memories of that time are sad and difficult, it is good to revisit them every so often. it is part of the healing process. in time the pain begins to fade, and in it's place are the fond, happy memories.

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPINTIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

new look...

twins? no, smoke and mirrors. well, no smoke. just mirrors...

i would love to have a secret twin, then i could do double the work in half the time... or spend double the money in half the time...

 

this is just to show you the new look. after 12/15 years of wearing contacts, i have switched to wearing glasses. i'm gradually getting used to them. and you can't really see, but my hair is longer in the front than in the back. it is so great - the best of both worlds...

i have been a bad blogger. i have just been so distracted. the worst is that i have nothing to show for all my time, it is just normal everyday stuff. you know?

also, i have been very sad for a very good friend of mine, who is slowly slipping away from this life. it is so awful to see the cruelness of cancer. and the tragedy of a family waiting... waiting for what they don't want to come. their lives are on hold, they are holding their breath, they are speaking in hushed tones, they are holding their tears. man, it is a difficult time. i have been editing photos of him, but from time to time i have to stop and move away, because the emotions become too huge, the sadness becomes overwhelming and the tears make it difficult to see.

and, as always when i am confronted with this kind of situation, i wish i had time to say goodbye almost 7 years ago, to my first husband ronnie. always there is a price to pay - a sudden death leaves loved ones behind in shock, with so many things that were left unsaid. a lingering goodbye usually means suffering and pain and memories of a loved one battered by a merciless disease. fortunately we do not get to choose. because that choice would be impossible.

my heart aches for my friend, because i know what lies ahead for her. i know what she is heading for. i know how empty her bed can be. i know how long her sundays can become. i know how lonely the hours can feel. i know how bland a cup of coffee can taste. i know how empty a house can seem. even with family and kids and friends and love and support, i know how huge and hungry the black hole of emptiness can get....

but. i also know how huge HIS mercy is. i know how comforting HIS love feels. i know how calming HIS presence becomes. i know what is is to 'walk through the valley of the shadow of death' (Ps 23:4), but i also know that 'the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus'. (Phil 4:7) (quotes from bible.com).

in our darkest hours, that is when we truly feel HIS presence.

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

my worst fear...

today i'm facing my worst fear.

some time ago i wrote a post called it happened to me, where i wrote about how, after losing my first husband ronnie in an aeroplane crash, i have this issue. ok, i have lots of issues, but today we will just focus on this one, ok?

you see, when something bad happens to you, you also lose your built-in 'it cannot happen to me' shield. since that dreadful day, almost 7 years ago, i have had to deal with my constant fear of it happening again. generally i am an optimist, and i don't tend to worry about what-ifs. except this one: i worry that someone close to me may die. i especially worry that the man, francois and sean may die. i know people die. heck, i know people die! but i also know how terribly bad that is. and i also know that it can happen to me.

this morning, very early, the man, francois and my mother, left with a bunch of other people in 2 mini-buses, to go to port shepstone from benoni. a trip of about 7/8 hours. on the highway. in holiday season. on a public holiday. in the early morning hours, when drivers are tired. i stayed behind, because i had to work today. 3 of my closest loved ones, together in one vehicle.

as i write this, the man has already let me know they have arrived safely. so one half done. before i heard this, i could not even write about it, my stress levels were too high. after they got to port shepstone, they each get behind the wheel of a little chana truck, and started the long drive back. lots of those little trucks need to be driven to gauteng, so they are paying people to drive them back. the man was one of the drivers down in the bus, so he will be driving a total of 15/16 hours today. the rest will drive only one direction. alone in a truck. including francois, my 22 year old son, who has never driven more than 2 hours in one go. they will only be home late tonight.

from the moment that it was all arranged and confirmed last night, i have had this internal battle. i have been constantly praying. i have had the thin, cold snake of fear slithering inside my stomach, so bad that i woke up with a stomach ache. and i feel like i cannot really breathe. extreme stress. in fact, i'm finding it very difficult to write this...

but, i have been working on it. i have been trying to breathe, and to relax. i have been placing my fear in HIS hands. ok, i have been taking it back all the time too, but i know that HE is in control. 

today i'm facing my worst fear. and i'm not doing too well. what is yours?

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbooking shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

bloggers are boring, self obsessed narcissists?

“The bottom line is that blogging is like sex. You can’t fake it. You can’t fake passion. You can’t fake wanting to engage with the public. If you do, it will ultimately be an unsatisfying experience for both the blogger and their readers.” (Kevin Anderson)

huh? blogging is like sex? maybe i'm not doing it right...

the blogging, i mean.

“People have often described me as a blogger. I generally shy away from the term because, to me, bloggers are boring, self obsessed narcissists who use their website mainly as a means to discuss the inconsequential minutiae of their day to day lives.” (Anonymous)

that's what makes it so interesting to me! i love inconsequential minutae.

sjeesh. never though i would ever use that phrase in a sentence.

inconsequential minutae.

inconsequential.
minutae.

“As I have repeatedly written in one form or other, blogging is not about writing posts. Heck, that’s the least of your challenges. No, blogging is about cultivating mutually beneficial relationships with an ever-growing online readership, and that’s hard work.” (Alister Cameron)

jip! hard work indeed. 'cultivating mutually beneficial relationships with an ever-growing online readership', by writing about 'inconsequential minutae'.

i just love these quotes.

i think blogging is much like having pen-friends. you know, a generation ago people used to have friends who lived across the world, who they had never met, but who knew all about each other's lives. now we have blogs.

did you know you can buy blog banners? you can go to the shabby shoppe, and choose a package you like. if you are quick, you can get them on sale too. i have never tried them myself, so let me know how it works out if you do.

go to tim holtz's blog, and see his '12 tags' series of posts. even if you never make the tags, you will still pick up some cool ideas. that guy is just so creative!

if you don't know who pioneer woman is, best you check her out NOW! you are missing something if you have never visited her blog. she also has pioneerwoman cooks and pioneerwoman photography, and a garden section and a homeschooling section. visit her today, you will love her.

go to scrapgirls, and sign up for their newsletter. it comes to your inbox daily. and it is full of inspiration, ideas, tips, and a freebie in each newsletter. and, if you have broadband, you can download this digital scrapkit free from there too. it is a big one!

if you have not yet discovered the ease of blog reading through google reader, then go back and read this post i did on it, and get it. it must be the most time-saving and efficient things i have done recently. it takes me less time to keep up with the 69 blogs i have in there, and i never miss a post!

this is the gift i'm giving my dad for christmas:

 

it is a photo he has been nagging me for. it was taken almost 23 years ago, when ronnie and i got married. we were married 16 years when he died, 6.5 years ago.

you can read the funniest childbirthing story ever (and we all know how funny childbirthing can be) here. one tip, don't drink coffee while you are reading it, because you will have it coming out your nose. i know.

because i had nothing interesting to say today, i have included lots of links to people who do have things to say. their inconsequential minutae are so much more fascinating than mine...

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

graduation....

i took the photos from francois' graduation, and used them on the paper i 'quilted' as i showed here.

 

the left side of the layout shows francois' dad, ronnie, at his graduation in 1985. he got a B COM (Accounting) degree. and the next year a B COM (Hons). he was a chartered accountant.

the right side of the layout shows francois where he got his BA (Politics and Economics) degree. he is almost finished with his BA (Hons) in Economics, so we will get more pics to scrap soon.

so, father and son graduated at the same university. and they are the same age in these pics. me? well, i still look the same, just different hair...

 

you see how scrapbooking lets you tell a story?

do you also see that once again i used no 'graduation' themed paper or embellishments? and no flowers or butterflies. i used great restraint.

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

lessons...

last week was the anniversary of my cousin's and my grandfather's deaths.

on 31 august 2002, 6 years ago, my cousin michael had a heart attack at age 35, and died in his home, leaving his wife and 3 kids, the youngest was only 6 weeks old! he died on his mother's birthday. i think i would never want to celebrate my birthday again...

on 28 august 2001, 7 years ago, my grandfather died. he was well on his way to his 91st birthday. many years before, some months after my grandmother had died, he had gone to holland to visit friends and to travel. there he met with a woman who, along with her husband, had been friends with my grandparents when they were young. there is even a photograph of the two couples together. both she and my grandfather had lost their partners. they fell in love, and got married. she was 57 and he was 75. their marriage lasted 18 years, 2 years longer than mine, and i was 19 when i got married.

after their marriage, they lived in holland for 6 months every year, in her house, driving her car, celebrating her birthday, and seeing her children. and the other 6 months of each year they lived here, living in his house, driving his car, celebrating his birthday and seeing his children. year-round summer. an ideal situation...

after his 90th birthday, they left for holland again, but while they were there, he got ill. they flew back, and he spent some weeks here, weak but lucid, until he died peacefully in his own bed, his wife by his side.

my mom phoned me to tell me he had died. she told me he was in his bed, and peaceful, and that i could come to see him. i went to fetch francois (who was 15 at the time) from school, and went to his house. i told francois to wait in the lounge, but he followed me to the room.

when i saw my grandfather lying there, less than an hour after his death, i could immediately see that it was no longer him. i could see that it was just his earthly vessel, and that his body in the bed was just that, his body. that that was 'him' was no longer there.

for as long as i can remember, i was terrified of finding a dead body. i had a phobia about it. i had nightmares about it. if we walked somewhere in the bush, i would have that fear in the back of my mind, much like people who are afraid of snakes feel. so, seeing my grandfather there, was very good for me. it showed me that a dead body was nothing to fear.

it was also GOD's way of preparing me for what was to come. 6 months later, my husband ronnie died in an aeroplane crash. my experience with my grandfather, made dealing with some of the aspects of ronnie's death easier. ronnie had died in a horrible crash, and the aeroplane had burned. what was left of his body was burned and mutilated. they had to use dental records to identify him and his 2 colleagues/friends who were in the plane with him.

we know that ronnie and his 2 friends died upon impact. the slamming of the plane on the ground was what killed them instantly. what happened after, did not happen to him. it happened to his earthly vessel. he was no longer there. that what made him him, did not feel the pain.

and in the days after, when his body lay in the mortuary, i never felt that 'he' was there. one often hears of people who say that their loved ones are cold, or uncomfortable, or unhappy. but i never felt that. i knew that 'he' was no longer there. my grandfather had shown me that in his death.

GOD works in wonderful ways. HE uses so many things to teach us for the future. things happen to us, that sometimes years later mean something. we may not see the significance now, we may not ever. but, out of today's happenings may come tomorrow's comfort. the hardship of now may be the preparation for the future.

my grandfather meant a lot to me in his life. he taught me so much. and even in his death, he taught me something that would probably be the most important lesson for me ever.

and to prove that every winter is always followed by spring...

 

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa

it happened to me..

human beings were designed with this 'it cannot happen to me' shield. you know, when you hear of other's misfortune, you sympathize deeply, but somewhere deep inside your subconscious you believe that 'it cannot happen to me'.

we need this feeling. it is our built-in shield. without it, we would go mad. can you imagine what our lives would be like if we did not have this mechanism. it is what keeps us sane. (well, kinda).

when something does happen to us, me, however, then i lose that feeling. that is why a relatively small break-in or a robbery or an accident can be so traumatic. it is not the physical stuff that i lose. it is that shield, that comfort that i lose. now, i will never be able to tell myself that 'it cannot happen to me', because it did! this leaves me vulnerable, raw and exposed to the worry that constantly nags, that little voice that keeps whispering 'it can happen to me. it did happen to me. now, what if it happens again...'

i am not a worrier by nature. i do not live in fear as many south africans do. i am careful and responsible, but i do not constantly fret about an attack, or robbery or hijack. i am surprised every time people ask me if i am not afraid alone in my shop. and believe me, i get asked this almost every day. people ask me if i am not afraid driving home at night after dark, especially on a thursday evening when we leave the shop after a workshop at after 11pm. i suppose that if i asked those people, it would come out that they have experienced a robbery or hijack themselves.

ronnie's mother is terrified of snakes. i know a lot of people are, but she is worse. she would never walk in nature or relax in a game park or on a farm, as she is constantly worries about snakes. she talks about it all the time. but, she was bitten by a snake as a child, and almost died as a result.

i was reading a novel by jonathan kellerman a week or so ago, and in it he described it so well. i cannot find the passage to quote it verbatim, but it talked about the thin, cold snake of fear that had been slithering inside his stomach for a while. and then, in the story, the thin snake suddenly rears it's head and bares it's fangs and hisses in his face. what a chillingly accurate description! do you know what he means? have you felt that thin, cold snake in your belly too? tell me, i'd like to know.

it happened to me that my husband died. in a plane crash. one normal, sunny friday morning in april 2002. just like that, it happened to me. and on that day i didn't just lose a husband, but i also lost my shield.

if the man is just a little later in coming home than expected, then the reasonable, unruffled, non-worrier in me becomes frantic. suddenly, i am filled with fear. the voices inside me start whispering. they say 'it can happen to me. it did happen to me. what if it happens to me again...'.

last week the man was in hospital for a few hours for some tests. and we had to wait a few days for the results. in this time, no matter how hard i tried to ignore it, that thin, cold snake slithered around in my belly. those voices whispered 'it can happen to me. it has happened to me. what if it happens to me again...'normally i refuse to worry about the worst, as i reason that if the worst happens there is plenty of time to worry then, and if the worst doesn't happen, i have wasted a lot of time and energy worrying unnecessarily. but this last week, i constantly felt that snake. and every time i did, i prayed to GOD to let this cup pass the man, and me, and to take those awful thoughts away.

thankfully i can say that HE has been true, and that the diagnosis of ulcerative colitis, although uncomfortable, is treatable and not too serious. this time i beat that snake. and i thank GOD for this. and next time i feel him slithering in my belly, i will tell him again how powerful my GOD is. and if the worst were to come to pass, than i know that GOD will be there for me, as HE always is. and while i know my psycologial shield will probably always fail me, GOD will shield me, better than i ever can.

 

francois sometimes takes my camera, and snaps away, and when he is finished he puts my camera back. then, when i download my photos i find lots of surprise photos. he took these photos on his birthday of my siblings' kids.

the two guys in this photo are eduard - my brother andre's son, and tian - my sister paula's son. how's this for cooperation...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbooking shop, benoni, south africa

wedding photos

wedding photos are such fun to play with. somehow, they just lend themselves to being edited.

this is monique. she is the daughter of dear old friends of mine, desire and tito. she got married on 7 june. {the swirly frame is the decoframe in the renewal range from michelle coleman at shutterfly. all the other frames are from shabby princess.}

and, of course, here are some of my wedding photos. be kind, they are 22 years old...

 

check out the eighties style dress, and the blue eyeshadow, and ronnie's shiny suit...

ahh, young love...

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbooking shop, benoni, south africa

swim star

 

i did this layout a week or 2 ago. it is of ronnie and francois in a swimming pool. on the middle photo on the left, you can also see my brother, andre, and sister, carla. the baby in the photo is francois, who is almost 22 years old now...

there is really nothing difficult about this layout, the colours and fun patterned paper are really what make it. i used chipboard stars and the chipboard alphas are from wilpro. the cardstock is from colormates and treasures, the rub-ons are from urban lily. the patterned paper is stuck down so well, that i cannot see who it is from.


 

this is for cornelia, who had a bit of a scare last week, and is still traumatised after her first mammogram. thankfully, it all turned out well!

 
jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbooking shop

how i met the man...

my first husband, ronnie, died in a plane crash 6 years ago. he left on a friday morning, and went to pretoria's wonderboom airport, and got on a small plane with 2 of his colleagues. his one colleague, hendrik, was the pilot. they were going to tzaneen on business. they crashed on takeoff. it happened at about 07h20. i only heard about it at between 10 and 11am.

in the time after he died and i heard about it, i was making some phone calls at home. amongst others, i called this guy who's pamphlet had been on my friend lucia's notice board for months. he did garden refuse removal. i had arranged with him that he would drop off the drum early the next morning. of course, after i heard the devestating news, i forgot. the next morning, when i was a widow for 24,5 hours, the doorbell rang, and i met the man. his first words to me were 'what's wrong?'. i must have looked terrible...

the first few months i hardly even noticed him. sometimes for weeks i did not even see him. i certainly did not look at him. ok, maybe a teeny little peep...

at the time i had this fancy sprinkler system in my garden. it was automatic, with these pop-up nozzles. it was giving me problems. these thingies were popping up, but not turning, and just spraying their water in one direction. some did not even pop up, the water just sort of bubbled out of the ground. i had phoned some companies to come and service them, but nobody was interested.

one morning, as the sprayers were working, and some of the water was running down the road, my doorbell rang. it was the man, offering to fix my sprinklers. and the rest is, as they say, history...

of course, if i had wanted to have sprinklers fixed today, i would probably have to pay someone else to do it...

stay tuned for the next riveting episode of : 'how i met the man'.

or maybe not.

 
jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES

dear visitor, reader and friend

this week is the six year anniversary of the death of my first husband, ronnie. so, for the past and coming few days, i will be writing quite a lot about this.

i love this blog, and have worked very hard at it. i spend way too many hours on writing, editing and growing my little corner of the world wide web, and it is starting to show results. please know that i take what you think of this little blog very seriously. but, this week, what i write is not for you. it is for me. it is my therapy. it is my way of working through feelings that bubble up every year at this time. it is my way of recording happenings and emotions and stories that are important to me.

so, this is a cautionary notice. if you are not interested in reading all these tales, then please bear with me, and come back after 26 april. then i will be back, writing about scrapbooking, cardmaking and the riviting minutae of my fascinating daily life. but, you are very welcome to stay, and share these stories with me. they are real, warts and all, politically incorrect, painful, and not for sensitive readers. they are from the heart. and i promise to throw in the odd layout, card, and if you ask nicely, a tutorial.

every year, these things go through my mind. but i cannot talk about them too much, because:

• everybody i know has heard at least some of these stories, probably more than once
• a lot of people i know are themselves still dealing with their own feelings of loss for ronnie
• i don't want people to think i'm still emotional and conflicted about these events
• i don't want to admit that i'm still emotional and conflicted about these events

but, not talking about them does not make them go away. so, i have found a way of thinking these things through. i will do so here. it will probably bore you to death. but it will pass. and before you know it, things around here will be back to normal. whatever that means...


 
jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES

outrageous party, scrapbooking convention 1 may 2008

in the beginning of every year, i sit with the old and the new diaries, and transfer birthday and anniversary dates. in 2002 it was no different. i sat with the old diary, and started to copy all the important info into the new diary. but, for some reason - i cannot remember why, i was interrupted, and did not finish this task.

the last entry in my diary for 2002 read 'saskia'. saskia is my cousin. i had written down her birthday on the 19th of april. from the 20th of april there were no further entries. ronnie died on 19 april. how wierd is that? my life as i knew it changed on 19 april, and the pages of the diary of my life were suddenly blank...

 

usually during this 'ronnie-week', i scrap a page or 2 with photos of him. so yesterday i scrapped this page of ronnie and i, and tito and desire going to an 'outrageous' party in 1998. i used a becky sketch i found in the april issue of creating keepsakes magazine.

i have been wanting to scrap with 'white space' for quite a while now, but before i know it, i have filled the whole page. so, i used this sketch to 'force' me to leave some areas open. i really enjoyed this page, and i think i will use this sketch again soon.

i got this email from the scrapbooking convention:
We are so excited! We have just received the Heidi Swapp kits ... you are going to blown away with the projects they have lined up for you. Heidi will be debuting her mirror album which is packed with chandeliers, mirrors, ribbon and loads of bits and pieces. Janet's class is a 12x12 album and you will complete 4 pages and decorate the outside of the album with the world traveler line. Log onto the website, www.scrapbookex.co.za for more information and class requirements.
This is a day of spoiling, pampering and enjoyment!
See you at either Summer Place on 1 May or at Spier on 3 May!

Take care,
The SA Scrapbook Convention Team

 
ps. if you are very observant, you might have noticed some subtle changes to the look of my blog. typepad is planning lots of improvements. i'm part of their beta-team, which means i have been testing the improvements for a week or 2. there are a few glitches, which is why people like me test it first, but it is going to be great! also, if you are on facebook, and are a blogger, look out for the 'blog-it' feature which is just being launched. i'm sure you will love it!

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES

surviving ronnie-week, and what i did for twelve-of-twelve

it started yesterday morning as a crankiness, and a distracted feeling. there was a tightening in the solar plexus. a little later the crankiness became irritation, the distraction became a full blown inability to concentrate, and the tightening became a stomach ache. it felt as though nothing was going right, and everything was a battle. a headache started to form. the neck muscles started to bunch, and the jaw began to tighten. the breathing became shallower, and the heartbeat quicker. at about 2pm, when i went to fetch sean from school, i was in the middle of an anxiety attack. i had to go to the bank, and wait in the queue, and while i was standing there i realized what was happening and tried to calm myself. when i got home, i took a painkiller with a muscle relaxant, and relaxed a little.

i am now officially in what i call ronnie-week. it starts on the 14th, on his birthday. it continues past the 19th, the anniversary of his death, and only ends on the 26th, the date of the funeral. actually more than a week then... and it always hits me harder than i expect. that's not quite true. these days i have learned to expect that it hits me harder that i expect. so i expect it. but, even if you expect it to be difficult, it is still difficult.

thanks to all of you who sent me messages, emails, and comments of support. i appreciate it. i am ok, i really am. i'm not writing about all this because i'm overwhelmed, but, as i have said before, because it is my way of processing, of thinking it through. and, as wonderful as the manis, and while i can really talk to him about anything, this is something that he doesn't really want to share with me. he gives me space, and i spare him the details.

so, on a lighter note, i thought i would share my photos i took on saturday, for the twelve-of-twelve thing i wrote about on friday.

here are 12 photos taken on saturday 12 april 2008. they tell the story of my day. they are not 'pretty' or well shot, or of some memorable moments, just an ordinary day in my life. that is the point.

 

i got up at 07h12. a little later than i should.

 

it was dark outside, and raining hard.

 

the chickens and ducks and turkeys were making a noise, as they do every morning, as they were waiting for their breakfast. it is so special to hear them every morning! they live right outside the bedroom window.

 

the man pulled the pillow over his head, and swore loudly when he saw me pointing the camera at him. this is not so special to hear in the morning...

 

sean was lying in his bed, reading his harry potter book. he is not a big reader, so i love this!

 

in the shop, liza had a class.

 

as i left the shop in the afternoon, i looked back to take a photo of the centre. it was sunny then.

 

i put the finishing touches to the tin i made for tian, for his birthday.

 

and finished his card too.

 

we had frozen pizzas for supper, that we add extra toppings to before we pop them in the oven.

 

the man fell asleep on the couch, as usual.

 

i HATE photos of myself, and this one is no exception. but, the rules of twelve-of-twelve say that you have to include a photo of yourself. it is about MY day, after all..

i went to bed earlyish, about 10pm. and i didn't see francois at all until after i was in bed.

so you see, an ordinary day. an ordinarily happy day. but in light of the fact that i am this week remembering the day my husband died, i have learned that an ordinary day is great!

 
jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES

ronnie janse van rensburg

 
today would have been ronnie's 45th birthday, if he had not died 6 years ago.

that year his birthday was on a sunday. he insisted that morning that we go cycling together, francois, myself and he. he took us on a long and difficult route, and i really suffered. i didn't enjoy it much, but he did.

when we came home, he insisted we invite a bunch of people over for a braai (bbq) later that afternoon. i was annoyed, as we were not planning on having a big do, just his and my parents over in the evening for coffee. i thought we would do something big for his 40th birthday the next year. i had not planned anything, and he didn't leave me much time to buy all the food, and prepare everything. he often expected me to entertain crowds at almost no notice, he was very spontaneous like that. while i was out shopping, he proceeded to invite almost everybody he knew. our parents, our siblings and a group of our friends. it was quite a big turnout for such short notice, and people had a good time that sunday evening.

funny how things happen that way. for most of those people, it was the last time they ever saw him. he died 5 days later, in a plane crash. so many people expressed later how they appreciated the memories of that day, his 39th birthday.

i have to say that i am grateful for the 16 years we spent together, more better than worse. he had so much more to give, so much potential still. but few people could have packed so much living in 39 years as he had, and i was fortunate to have shared that living with him. he is still missed, by me, by francois, by his parents and mine, and by his brother and sister, and many of his friends. it was good to have known him.

love, jacki

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES

april and twelve-of-twelve, and flowers for you!

oh dear! it has happened again. i was almost finished with a post, and was editing it, and it disappeared! gone! lost! swallowed up by cyberspace!

of course this is never my fault. it is the fault of the internet/computer/sins i committed in a previous life/the spirit of Christmases past.

i am going to take a deep breath, make some coffee, answer some emails, and then come back to try again.

so, please pop in again for the lastest episode of 'what's up at SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbooking supplies store in benoni, south africa, and the life of jacki janse van rensburg'. such a catchy title, innit? heaven forbid you should miss a minute...

ok, let's try this again.

it is april. april is always an emotional month for me.

first comes the 12th of april. it is tian's birthday. he is turning 8. Happy birthday, tian!

also on the 12th is twelve-of-twelve day.

'Throughout the day - you'll shoot pictures.  Most of you will shoot a lot of pictures.  Any picture, any place, anyone, any pit-stop, any errand, anything you do, anything you eat, anything you see, anyone you visit.  You decide...no real, hardfast rules!  Just keep taking pictures.

BUT - as an aside - I always try to get one self portrait (in a mirror, as a reflection, at arm's length) and one picture that shows the weather or outside temperature (which in Arizona is likely to be 85° on the 12th)

I usually take pictures from when my alarm goes off in the morning, until when my pajamas go on at night.  Then, upload your pictures (pour yourself a glass of wine, it helps!) and start editing.  Which means deleting.  Come on - just do it!  You want TWELVE PICTURES that you feel best represent your day.  What you did, who you saw and what you accomplished...or what you didn't quite complete!

Get those twelve pictures printed out at home, or upload them to your fave off-site printing facility and get them ordered!  Because on the 13th...WE SCRAP!'

tonight i'm going to sleep with my camera next to my bed. i will show you what i did next week. as tomorrow (the 12th) is my 3rd anniversary of the day i stated this little journey called scrapbooking, i am going to commemorate the day this way.

then, on the 14th it would have been my ronnie's 45th birthday. and on the 19th of april it is 6 years since he died.

every year i am surprised at how difficult and draining this week always is. i always think i'm going to be ok, but when the day comes, it is more emotional than i expected. that first year, and all the firsts, you expect to be heartbreaking. but when 6 years have passed, you think it would have become easier. when the anniversary day comes, i find myself reliving the events as they occured that day when he died in a aeroplane crash. you can also read what i wrote before about this here. i suppose it is something one carries with you forever, and rightly so. although i have moved on, ronnie was a very important part of my life for more than 16 years!

also, it is at this time of year i am reminded once again of how GOD is the only real comfort. and i can say from personal experience that 'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me'. psalm 23:4.

and, since i always like to add a photo to each post, i thought i would share these photos of 'cosmos', wild autumn flowers that grow everywhere next to the road. they are particularly beautiful this year as a result of the very wet summer we have had. these are for you, wilna, elsa, carla, janine and anyone else who is living elsewhere in the world, and is missing these.

   

 

jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES

your father would have been so proud...

It'll be a great day when education gets all the money it wants and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy bombers.  ~Author unknown, quoted in You Said a Mouthful, Ronald D. Fuchs, ed.

 

last night francois got his Baccalaureus Artium (BA) degree in Politics and Economics.

he is doing his honors degree in economics this year. i am proud of you!

I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cabdriver.  Then they would really be educated.  ~Al McGuire

reflective thursday

let's try this again...

iv'e been finding a lot of gems online today, so i thought i would share some of the e-nspiration with you today.

on kelly rae roberts's blog i found this great quote: "The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, 'If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.' Now I say, "I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me." (Jim Rohn). kelly rae is one of my favourite blogs to visit. she is an awesome artist, but she also writes so beautifully. she manages to share so much of herself, puts her heart in it, and makes me want to reach out and hug her when i read her posts. she is an inspiration to me, i strive to be the kind of soulful blogger she is. she constantly tries to grow and be a better person, and her art and her blog are a part of that journey. and, even if you visit her blog just to see her art, you have already made a trip worthwhile.

jody is such an inspiring person! as i get to know more about her and her life, by reading some of her older blogposts, i see that GOD has blessed her by giving her the ability to find meaning and growth in even the most painful and terrible situations. and He has given her the ability to inspire countless people through her difficult journey. i love the way that she can show that although they miss teagan, and they are sad for wyndham, they are also happy, and blessed, and fulfilled. she has lived one of probably every person's worst nightmares, and she shows us that ordinary families can survive this - sometimes barely - through the strength that GOD gives us every day. i pray for them.

i'm saving this after each paragraph's edits now. it's slow, but at least i'm starting to get somewhere...

as most of you know, i lost my husband, ronnie, almost 6 years ago. 6 years is a long time, and i have made a good life, with a very wonderful man, since then. sometimes people get upset when they see me having moved on. they want to see more grieving. but, one can grieve and be happy at the same time. and just because they don't see the pain all the time, it doesn't mean it is not there. it is, and it makes the happiness all the better, because i know now how special that happiness is. i have learned to appreciate the small things. i know i have to cherish the moments, and i do, all the time!

mostly these days, i find myself often missing the now-things. i wonder what he would have thought about our son's life, what he would have been doing today, what success he would have achieved in his career, what he would have thought about my business venture, etc. the 'if-he-was-here-now' things. especially with francois' milestones. as he is getting his degree soon, i will be facing that empty spot in my heart once again. i know he would have been so proud of what his son is achieving, and the beautiful, intelligent, witty, deep thinking young man he is becoming. i miss the conversations we would have been having about all this. {{sigh}}

save...

on a lighter note: on 8 march you can join the champagne roadshow in johannesburg. tickets cost R1100. this is for a full day, 4 scrapbooking classes. leah fung is one of the teachers. it is going to be a must-attend day. just the products you receive alone are worth R2050! check out the details here. come on, book now, and then let me know when you have booked. you will regret it if you don't!

then, on wilna's blog, i found a link to this layout. isn't it a great idea? i'm gonna do that one soon!

speaking of wilna: iv'e finished my first valentines project. i really enjoyed it, and thought it alone was worth the +/- R119 i spent on the class fee. and there are 3 more projects to do! thanks doll, for all the hard work you put into making it totally worthwhile!

now i have to upload the photos again... let's hope...

that took ages! save...

oops! operation timed out. have to try again. frustration levels spiking, but determined to get this finished, so it's done!

because this book will be on dispaly in my shop for a while, i am not writing on the tags yet. it is meant to be a love letter. i did find 2 beautiful love poems here.

phew! almost finished...

thank you for your comments and emails. i have been getting lots of hits on my blog lately, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and excited inside.

love, jacki

SCRAPPIN TIMES

count our blessings

i visited donna downey's blog today, followed a link, and stumbled into something so scary and wonderful and inspiring and saddening. i just have to share this.

read the story of teagan here. this family was happy and normal the one minute, and devastated the next. i warn you, it will bring tears to your eyes! so, wait until you have a quiet time to read it. but whatever you do, don't miss it!

then, experience the growth, and strength, and daily struggle and sadness that jody, her mother, experiences. and then join me in counting our blessings!

reading all this reminded me of a poem that brought me much comfort in the dark days after ronnie's death. it is by Mary Hathaway

So i shall feel the waves:

"when you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. when you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. when you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up, the flame will not consume you" Isiah 43:2

So i shall feel the waves

and hear the storm,

the waters will sometimes cover me,

the currents will pull at my feet,

i shall be afraid for my life,

but -

i shall not drown.

So i shall feel the heat,

i shall be scorched,

i shall be burned,

and despair of my life,

but -

the flames will not consume me.

YOU do not promise a life

full of frothy joy,

YOU promise LIFE -

in all it's fullness,

with it's pain and suffering

as well as it's love and joy.

YOU are real, LORD,

YOU are true, LORD,

and I rest in YOUR word

in my despair and confusion

in the sure knowledge

that i shall come through.

this woman's poetry is awesome.

and then i want to end with this that i wrote in 2005, almost 3 years after ronnie's death:

what i have learned:

1. THINGS happen.

2. BAD THINGS happen to good people.

3. almost all people can survive BAD THINGS, even when the think they can't.

4. many people can lean and grow and flourish and be happy after BAD THINGS, in spite of BAD THINGS, or even because of BAD THINGS.

5. you see things in perspective: when little, every day THINGS happen, you are grateful that it's not BAD THINGS, and you deal with it.

6. i know now that i can deal with BAD THINGS. it is terrible and difficult and painful, but it is survivable.

7. i hope that if BAD THINGS ever happen to this good person again, i can deal with it as positively as before.

8. you never have to deal with BAD THINGS alone. every good person has many people beside her to pray and comfort and help shovel all the BAD THINGS.

9. you cannot choose what happens to you. but you can choose how you react to what happens to you. you can CHOOSE to grow and learn and be happy.

10. all things in life are possible and bearable and positive, through GOD, who gives us strength.

to all the jody's out there: i can imagine (a little) how you are hurting, but i cannot change those feelings; i can speak the words, but i cannot comfort you; i can hug you, but i cannot fill the emptiness. but i can pray for you, and HE can.

love, jacki

SCRAPPIN TIMES