lately i have been a little conflicted about this little blog.
it started out as a kind of 'newsletter' for my shop, to my clients. then i realised that i needed it to be more personal, a place for me to think 'out loud'. there was something about the writing, and reading, and editing, to make it coherent and readable, that helped me to think through whatever it was i was processing at that time.
it also became a place for me to stop and smell the roses. to photograph something and blog those photos, and tell the story, was a way to celebrate the moments. looking back, i often smile as i remember a thought, a milestone, a memory. by blogging them, i am distilling that essence of my life, marking the special occasions: the big ones, and especially the small ones.
i have missed that. so what is wrong? what happened to my blogging?
i have been asking myself this question. i have been feeling a shift in the focus of this blog. i have been getting different readers than i did before. through this blog, and facebook and twitter, i have found other bloggers, who's work i read. and i have found people so talented, so vocal, so powerful, so touching, that i stand in awe. and in reading their blogs, i have felt that voice inside, the one who haunts me constantly, the one who asks: 'who am i to call myself a blogger?'. whenever someone would tell me they had found my blog, i would cringe, and feel like i have been caught in a fraud.
it has become a little intimidating, having a blog amongst so many awesomly talented bloggers. it gives me performance anxiety....
so. lately i have been wondering about this blog. asking myself what it is i want to do.where i want to go.
just to give you an idea: i get more hits daily from google, looking for some of my tutorials, than i get visitors looking for ME. the obvious answer would be then to write more tutorials, but that is not really want i want to blog about. i don't mind writing the odd tutorial, and i love that someone might find something i teach useful. but that is not what i keep coming back to this blog for.
I started the blog to find my voice. I'm one of those people who comes across as incredibly confident, sometimes a bit larger than life, when deep inside I have no idea if I'm even vaguely on the right track on this thing called life. Blogging has taught me an invaluable lesson - there is no track; there is only reflection on the steps you've made. And that's why I blog. I know I've been heavy in recent posts. I feel like I lost the light-hearted rambler who saw the fun in being vespa-ed around Joburg and the delight at being closer to 40 than 60 and who wanted to capture the journey of a pair of black shoes around the world. I've felt the need to defend who I am. Because I'm a bit different to the norm. Thanks to this blog and the people who have responded here, by mail and in person, I've realised that my journey is my journey. My voice is mine. My heart belongs to who I choose to give it to. And, thanks to a little movie called Julie and Julia, I feel inspired to find the fabulous all over again...
i urge you to read the rest of his post, and his blog. he is one of those writers i mentioned that makes me wonder what on earth i am doing here...
so. i will keep blogging. but only when i have the urge to. i will be posting about scrapbooking, because that is what i do. i will also be posting about my other passions. my kids. my thoughts. in fact, everything i encounter on my journey through life. i will remind myself that i have learned so much through this blogging-journey. my writing has improved, my photography is a lot better, my networking and internet skills are pretty good these days.
and i will worry a little less about what others may think, and pretend it is a private journal that i write in, and lock the little clasp, and hide under my bed.