i often say this blog is form of therapy. a place for processing my thoughts and emotions. well today's post is one of those. so please excuse me as i have a little emotional meltdown.
this week is ronnie week. it is that week that starts on the 14th april with what would have been ronnie's 46th birthday, had he not died. the week ends on the 19th april, the day of his death 7 years ago.
now, to make matters worse this week, i also have to face my biggest fear. i have blogged about it before. we all go through life with that wonderful gift of denial, that conviction that 'it can't happen to me'. well it did. and when it did, i lost that conviction. it did happen to me. and now, i can never shake that fear that it can happen to me again. and i know how blindingly devastating and suffocatingly dark "it' can be.
in fact, i am not even going to go there...
this week the man is on the road again. on thursday he is flying down to cape town, and driving back up. he is bringing up a very ill family member to johannesburg. and you know that his being on the road for such a long period is very, very difficult for me, as you can read here.
so, i have to deal with both issues in one week. the re-living of the death of my husband ronnie, and my fear of something happening to my man. a double whammy. or maybe a big, final test? i hope so..
anyway, there is a reason why i'm telling you this. i have found in the past that putting it out here, on my blog, works for me. i need to yank it out of the dark, moist, fertile folds of my heart, where it can grow and fester and multiply, and expose it to the cold light of day, where it will wither and die. i need to expose it, i need to think and write and read and edit and process it out, so it has no more hold over me. somehow saying it out loud, putting it out here, and telling you about it, exposes the fear for the parasite it is, and helps me to conquer it.
and now that it is written here, i am going to pray over it. and ask you to pray for me too. and then i am going to lay it at the foot of HIS cross. and turn around, and walk away, and leave it there. and whenever those dark thoughts try to tell me how big the fear is, i can tell the fear how big my GOD is.
because i trust that GOD has a plan for my life, and even if that plan includes the worst, as it has in the past, HE will never let me walk that path alone, HE will carry me, as HE has always done.
as i write this, i feel the tears build up in me. but they are not the tears of sadness and defeat, they are the tears of relief, and the tears of cleansing.
it is not a coincidence that this week was preceded by easter. i was reminded this past weekend that for those of us who believe and call HIS name, HE has already overcome the darkness and everlasting death, so i may have everlasting life in HIM. the message of easter is that of overcoming. and i will carry that message forward in me this week.
i started to write this post on sunday, and then left it in it's raw, emotional form. then i edited and worked on it today. and can tell you that i already feel better. the moment i wrote this down on sunday, it was out of me, and i felt victorious. the demons were exorcised.
in closing i want to say this: i did not write this because i need sympathy. also, remember that although this is on my mind, it is not the only thing going on in my life. i am fine. i am happy. i have dealt with this issue, and i am dealing with this issue. there is no reason to be worried or concerned about me. at all. i promise!
i often say this blog is form of therapy. a place for processing thoughts and emotions. well today's post is one of those. so thanks for excusing me as i had a little emotional meltdown...
jacki janse van rensburg - SCRAPPIN TIMES scrapbook shop, benoni, gauteng, south africa